


i'm too good at leaving love.

by junfhongs



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Angst, M/M, Post Disbandment fic, Slow Burn
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-30
Updated: 2016-11-18
Packaged: 2018-08-27 21:44:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 23,757
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8418013
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/junfhongs/pseuds/junfhongs
Summary: "I think you travel to search and you come back home to find yourself there."





	1. Chapter 1

Joonmyun needed to find himself.

When Suho wasn't needed anymore and he was forced back into his lonely shell of _Joonmyun_ , the regular man with little natural talent and too much puffed-up ambition, he crumbled into a life he didn't know how to live anymore.

He traveled across the country for five months and looked for meaning in the nooks and crannies of every place he went to. He absorbed silence and inhaled emptiness until he felt a semblance of himself peeking through the layers of masks he wore for years. When Joonmyun let go of his need to be _Suho_ , he began to live again.

He came back to his world, his reality, and it took time for the world to adjust to him. It took time for him to greet his family the way he did before; it took time for him to call up the other ex-members to eat with them and to laugh with them as they had before. He looked across the table and noted the empty chairs—one for Yixing who was working in China again, and another for Kyungsoo who was busy filming for another film bound to be commercially and critically successful.

Kyungsoo was the first person to call Joonmyun when he got back to Seoul. Joonmyun could hear the tired smile in his voice as he asked Joonmyun about his travels, about his experiences, and about him in general. "What are your plans now that you're back home?"

Through the phone, Kyungsoo wouldn't see how Joonmyun flinched at the word "home." Seoul wasn't home; the various airplanes in various airports they visited over nine years as robots weren't home; even the apartment that Joonmyun left to collect dust didn't invite him in warmly as he dropped his bags by the door.

"Are you coming back to the industry?" Kyungsoo sounded distracted. He must have been taking a break during filming. "It was a big deal when you announced a hiatus; I’m sure a lot of companies are still looking for your talent."

Joonmyun scoffed. "That's not entirely true." _Repress your inner cynic._

He bristled at Joonmyun's tone. "Maybe not in the music industry, but acting treated you well." He paused, likely due to someone calling his attention. "You could try again. I have some contacts—"

"I appreciate that, Kyungsoo. I really do. I just—" Joonmyun didn't know why he felt so lost at the moment. Kyungsoo was offering to help him build his career again, to help him get back on his feet. He needed that more than ever. "I need more time to think my life through. It's been a long nine— no, _fourteen_ years."

"I understand. When we all came home separately after that press conference… I didn't really know where to go. I didn't know if I wanted to keep going now that I could call it quits without anyone telling me no," Kyungsoo said. "Give yourself some more time. I'll wait when you're ready for something."

He hung up before Joonmyun could thank him insincerely. Joonmyun hated how that door was always open to him. He hated how it tempted him to escape his role as Joonmyun so he could crawl back into Kim Joonmyun, an experienced actor who was versatile and handsome enough to be considered a B-list star on his own. Now that he didn't have EXO and SM tacked onto his image, he had a wider range of opportunities to pick from.

When Kyungsoo arrived at dinner, two hours late with a blooming bruise on his arm after a stunt gone wrong, he took one look at Joonmyun before breaking into a huge smile. "I'm so glad you're back," he whispered. "I've been stuck with most of these idiots for months."

Baekhyun hit his arm and handed his phone to a waiter. "Alright, take a seat. Should this picture go on my fan café or does someone need publicity for something?"

"It should go to Joonmyun's," Sehun said. "He's the reason why we all got back together."

He shrugged. "Alright. Sir, could you sit at another table and take a picture of us sneakily? Just while we're laughing, thanks." They all posed as they were used to, with fake laughter in the air and fake smiles plastered on their faces. Kyungsoo sat beside Joonmyun, pretending to be in conversation with him.

Joonmyun could only imagine the reactions of the netizens: "he lost weight," or "he gained too much weight," or "what a failure; he probably didn't fight for EXO at all," even if it had been over half a year since the official disbandment. Joonmyun was still dirt in their eyes, but the years of experience made Joonmyun grow into that role in the band. He took all the criticism from the company, from the broadcasting stations, from the staff members and managers, and especially from the fans.

He was the leader. The only one they had. He would have to do.

Later that night, Kyungsoo was at his apartment to spend the night. The silence was a little awkward, and Joonmyun found himself staring holes into the carpet that came with the living room set he bought. Kyungsoo put his phone on vibrate and buried under the cushions.

"Tell me, how are you?" he asked.

Joonmyun blanked out. "I don't know."

"What do you mean?" Kyungsoo cocked an eyebrow. "You can't just not know."

He rolled his eyes. "I've never known, Kyungsoo. I was told to smile, I was told to be somber, and I was told that nothing else mattered other than putting on a good show and making sure no one else would leave. To answer your question, I don't know."

"I actually understand that. I went through that too." Kyungsoo raised his eyes to the ceiling. "You know what got me back to myself? Work."

"Why are you trying so hard to get me back?"

"Because I was in your position. I thought if I took a break, I would have enough time to think about where my life was really headed. But I spent more time sulking and brooding than I did thinking," said Kyungsoo. Joonmyun looked away, shameful and tired. "I'd rather try something now instead of waiting for myself to be ready when I know I never would be."

A week later, Joonmyun signed a contract with the agency Kyungsoo was part of.

Two months later, he got a role in a TV drama with several B-list actors with semi-decent, clichéd plot and the promise of mediocre success.

It didn't shoot him up to stardom, but it did get him enough attention to book a few more roles for the next year or so, ranging from small movie roles to temporary spots in variety shows and contests. Hosts would poke at his past as an idol, and he would respond by laughing and glossing over the adversities he faced in his nine official years as an idol.

He appeared on a reboot of Healing Camp one time, finally talking about his five months alone in the country. He talked about loneliness, about missing the constant presence of his brothers in his daily life, and about the loss of direction for a while. He wandered because he never had the opportunity, even though he touched almost all the corners of the world in his nine years as an idol.

"When you've given so much of your time to an occupation, to a role that you have to fill, it's a little difficult to fill that hole in your life when it's over," he said. The hosts praised his sincerity, and his fans grew as soon as he mentioned his "brothers" once more. Even after all this time, EXO still defined him and his career.

It took him two years to grow into a comfortable level in his career where he could take side roles that weren't so good or take roles in movies that didn't do too well and it wouldn't adversely affect him too much. He ventured into indie films and cheesy drama roles and anything he was interested in, and as long as he got paid, he wouldn't really mind.

Junghwan, his manager, dropped a stack of papers on his coffee table one day. "I have good news."

Joonmyun cocked an eyebrow at him. "That's rarely ever actually good."

"I know, I know, but I mean it this time." Junghwan beamed at him. "It's a lead role."

Joonmyun glanced at the stack of papers. "It's a lead role in a movie that involves…?"

"A love triangle."

Joonmyun groaned as Junghwan picked up the top of the script. "You know I hate love triangles! It's difficult enough to fake chemistry with one girl—"

"'Two childhood friends vie for the affection of their common thread,'" Junghwan read. "'The themes involve long-term unrequited love, maturity, and the value of friendships over time.' It doesn't sound that bad."

"It sounds like two adults are going to be fighting for the love of their friend like high school kids who can't keep their pants zipped!" Joonmyun sighed. "Is the writing any good? The director?"

"We've got a star-studded cast and crew here, Joonmyun," said Junghwan. "All it needs is a charismatic lead to fill in the role of—" he flipped a bit more, " _'Yoon Junsoo,_ a businessman who spent most of his life traveling abroad for work. He came back to Seoul for a taste of home and for a chance for a life that he never dared to take before.'" Junghwan nodded. "I told you; it's not that bad."

Joonmyun sighed, took the script from him, and started flipping through the dialogue. "I'll give it a chance."

Junghwan cheered, but Joonmyun didn't even notice him leave. He imagined himself as this character, someone so detached and lost in life suddenly wanting to settle down with someone who he always overlooked. He was such a fake, so undeserving of someone who kept a part of herself hoping for her love to return to her.

Yet this Junsoo knew his life was growing too unhappy for him to control. Somehow the thought of love with this _Song Jihyun,_ someone who was only in love with the thought of the past him without truly knowing who he was at the moment, hit him harder than he thought.

"'A love that lingers at the back of her mind, impossible to get rid of. She will always wonder about the 'what if' situations when it involves him,'" Joonmyun read, "because there is always a kind of love that wasn't meant to be pursued or one that wasn't meant to last."

He sighed. In taking this role, it helped to know exactly where these characters were coming from. He was there. He knew what it was like. And as much as he didn't want to, he knew he had to live in that pain again.

 

 

 

Joonmyun walked into the conference with a humble gait and the eyes of a tired man. He shook hands with staff members and mingled with his co-actors while they waited for the entire cast to arrive. The female lead, Kim Eunhye, greeted him with a smile and an awkward handshake.

She was a relatively new actress, fresh on the scene when Joonmyun came back from his hiatus. She was younger than Joonmyun by a few years, but the lines around her eyes spoke of a different tale. He knew she was involved in scandal after scandal, but her career never stopped growing because of talent that the hateful public couldn't deny.

"The last love triangle drama I did…" Eunhye closed her eyes and shook her head. "It didn't end well."

Joonmyun chuckled. "Don't worry; I've had my fair share of trainwrecks." He looked around at the people in the room. Acclaimed writers, producers, and a director that was known for bringing out the best from the entire cast, even from the actors with the smallest roles. Why they all came together or signed up for such a simple story, Joonmyun would never know.

"Hopefully this won't be one. I've had several trainwrecks in a row and I'm really not hoping for another scandal to bring me up," she whispered. Joonmyun remembered when SM would pay media outlets to release a scandal about one of the members for publicity, with or without their consent. They would all stare blankly as their phones were taken away from them; the managers said it was a precaution and a way of protecting them from the hate they were all going to receive.

Joonmyun stood up. "I'm going to the restroom. I hope we'll be complete by the time I come back."

"We're just waiting for one or two cast members, I think," Eunhye said. "The other male lead."

He nodded before walking away, glancing at his manager for a moment. Joonmyun was lost in thought as he walked to the male's restroom, forgetting to bow at the staff members he met along the hallway. God, wouldn't it be funny if that caused a scandal calling him an ungrateful, rude diva? It wouldn't be the first time.

As he walked to the sink, he itched to turn on the faucet and wash his face, but he had a bit of makeup on and it wouldn't be attractive to walk back into that conference room with trails of BB cream rolling down his neck.

He caught movement at the corner of his eye. He waited for the shadow to emerge from the bathroom stall and approach the light by the counter before he could react. And it was… a reaction, to say the least.

It felt like seeing a memory come to life, although it was little faded and unnerving. His heart didn't stop, his mind didn't blank out, but Joonmyun did feel a weight on his shoulders suddenly come back to life, pressing him down until he had to place his palms flat on the cold surface of the counter to hold himself up.

Their eyes met through the mirror. Joonmyun looked away.

"This is too fucking dramatic for me," whispered Joonmyun. He turned to leave, but a sound of protest held him down. Was it hot? He was starting to feel a bit lightheaded…

_"Joonmyun, please."_

Yifan's voice grew deeper over the years, if that was even possible. When Joonmyun looked at his reflection—he was too afraid to meet his eyes again—he saw the evidence of exhaustion and age chiseling his features further, and the hint of a smile lingered on his lips. Joonmyun couldn't say the same for himself.

Yifan sighed. "It's been nine years. Could you at least—"

"That's _exactly_ why I can't deal with this right now, Yifan," he interrupted, the name rolling off his tongue as smoothly as it did the first time. "Everyone's waiting for you at the conference room. Wait a few minutes after I leave."

"Joonmyun," Yifan said softly, right before he could open the door and escape from the room that was growing stuffier after each second. "I didn't know you were the other male lead."

"Neither did I." _Maybe I wouldn't have taken the role if I did._

He coughed. "Really? If I had known—"

"You'd run away?" Joonmyun turned around and pressed his back to the door. "You'd reject it? You'd be too scared to face me, so you would continue running away and pretending like nothing ever happened." 

Yifan stared at him, eyes cold. At first he approached Joonmyun with caution, but as Joonmyun shut him down, he knew he wasn't going to get a warm reunion. "You're right. You always were."

Joonmyun couldn't just embrace him like that. It was almost ten years since he left; Yifan was finally allowed to work in Korea again. It didn't matter. Joonmyun hated that they could move in the same circles again. He hated that right now, at this very moment, he couldn't swallow his pain and his bitterness and put on a mask of professionalism. He would reserve his energy for that in front of others, in front of the cameras.

When they had no audience to cater to, Joonmyun couldn't hide how much he hurt.

When they only had their true selves to show, Joonmyun couldn't pretend that Yifan didn't just leave the group; he left the burden that they shared all on Joonmyun's shoulders to bear. That was the weight that crashed down on him as soon as their eyes met for the first time in nine years.

And Yifan left him, alone and lonely, cradling memories that lingered in his mind, on his skin, in every lonely corner where they shared soft smiles and warm kisses while pretending that it wouldn't end, it wouldn't have to. Not again.

That wasn't a promise that they could keep.

"Wait a few minutes after I leave," Joonmyun repeated. He left Yifan there, staring at a corner away from the space that Joonmyun left by the door. Joonmyun didn't have time to process what happened before he had to put his mask back on in the conference room.

Yifan came in a few minutes later, just as he said, with that smile of his that Joonmyun… missed. He missed his gummy smile. Although he was still stinging with the lingering loneliness from the past nine years, he let himself into the festive mood of the conference room. He listened to the speeches of the director and the writers and all their hopes for this movie.

They had new copies of the script, and Joonmyun smiled at Eunhye before they began reading for a chemistry test. His experience with voice acting and ballad singing over the years helped him emote through his voice, letting just the right amount of feeling into his words without warping the message. Eunhye's muted enthusiasm related perfectly to her character, Jihyun, and they knew something good was coming out of this movie.

And Yifan, as he read his lines, approached his skeptic, hopeless romantic character with a touch of humor and a well of emotion that was deep as the rumbling of his voice. _Erik Yang_ was meant to be pitied, but Yifan made him more endearing and charming in his own right.

Who Jihyun would choose wasn't meant to be an easy choice because both of the men in her life gave her the happiness she wanted and needed. And there was never really a _right_ person to choose.

The difficult scene to read was the fight between Erik and Junsoo. They had to show that despite how they were fighting for Jihyun's affection, they still had a friendship that ran deeper than their situation. They had memories and a relationship that couldn't be broken by a girl they both held a flame for. Even if it would break Erik to have the woman he loved taken away from him without her ever knowing what he felt, he wouldn't break the more important relationship just for her.

The irony lied in their backstories: Junsoo left them, again and again. Erik was the one who stayed and weathered in inheriting his parents' small business and having small dreams and living a small life that paled in comparison to the fun that Junsoo had all over the world. And yet they connected every time Junsoo came back for a few weeks or so.

Joonmyun laughed when he first read their character descriptions; he hoped Yifan felt guilty after it.

The director asked them to stand, act out the scene the best way they could. This scene was filled with the most tension, the climax of the entire movie. They needed to know if Yifan and Joonmyun could tell that story with just their words and the look in their eyes.

———

"You don't love her the way I do," Erik said, voice cracking with desperation. His fingers clenched as he held back from shoving Junsoo away.

"You don't know that." Junsoo stepped forward. "I’m not afraid to make her happy because I know I can. And I'm not afraid to tell her that I will be there, unlike you who's been hiding behind your friendship for years. I leave and you're pining after her; I come back and you're still rooted to the exact same spot you were in a year ago!"

"Because you don't know what it's like to rupture a relationship that's just— it's always been this way! And I can't change that," said Erik, stepping back to start pacing. "You're on and off in our lives. If you come in there and tell her you love her, she'd swoon in a second. If I tried, she'd stare at me as if I went crazy in the blink of an eye."

Junsoo held him by the arm to stop him from moving. "You don't know that."

"Are you telling me to try?"

Junsoo chuckled, surprised that Erik would jump at the opportunity so quickly. "I'm telling you that you could have, long ago, and you wouldn't be this afraid now. You dug yourself into a hole, but now you're stopping someone who wants to take a chance, to make her happy just like you."

They stared at each other. Erik closed his eyes as Junsoo let go of his arm. His fingers twitched again; he itched to push him aside and run to Jihyun before he could have time to regret his decision, but Junsoo was right.

 _"Give me a chance,"_ Junsoo said. And he was right.

———

Everyone in the room clapped as they broke character and shook hands. Joonmyun gave Yifan a soft smile as they took their seats. Joonmyun's manager clapped his back and gave the casting director a knowing look. "Was I right, or was I right?"

She laughed and conceded. "Fine, you were right; Joonmyun fits Junsoo perfectly."

"And that tension between you two?" The director sighed in appreciation. "You can't fake that. It was beautiful," he looked around at the room, "and that was just a reading of the script! Can you even imagine the potential in this room growing in the next few months or so?"

They all clapped, and this time, Joonmyun could find it in himself to join in the atmosphere genuinely. He looked at Yifan again, and his mask faltered for a second.

Joonmyun found it difficult to pull away. It's as if he was calling Joonmyun to come closer, to let him in again. They needed some vulnerability to shine through their characters, and they knew just how to bring it out from each other. It worked. They worked perfectly, as they always did. Joonmyun couldn't bring himself to deny it.

 _You can't fake that._ You can't fake tension that's real. You can't fake pain that's been there for so long. They worked well because they worked with feelings that were from a well of emotions too deep to be seen.

When they all parted ways, Yifan handed Joonmyun a calling card with a hesitant look in his eyes. "We need to talk."

"I don't need it," Joonmyun admitted. "I always knew where you were, how to contact you."

Yifan narrowed his eyes. "Then why didn't you?"

"I didn't think I was the one who had to make the first move, if there were a need to," Joonmyun said. He put the card in his pocket and stepped away.

"Joonmyun," Yifan said, closing the distance between them again, "it's going to be a long—I don't even know how long this'll be. It's difficult for me to talk to you like this—"

"Don't you think it's difficult for me to be put into a situation like this?"

"—pretending that we weren't at least friends," Yifan continued. "Ignore what I did, ignore our relationship, ignore everything I've done wrong then until now. We were at least friends, weren't we?"

Joonmyun sighed. "If you're asking if we can go back to that, I don't know what I'm going to say."

"I'm trying, Joonmyun. Give me a chance," he repeated from their practice earlier. That made Joonmyun smile a bit, just the slightest tug on the corners of his lips.

"And give me some time," Joonmyun whispered.

Yifan's face tilted to meet Joonmyun's eyes better. "It's been nine years."

"Exactly." Joonmyun fiddled with the hem of his coat. "And after all that, I still feel like I need more time. You and I, we've both changed. We need to come to terms with that. I need to come to terms with that."

Yifan stepped back, farther and farther from Joonmyun until his scent, his eyes, his— everything finally stopped invading Joonmyun's senses. "I'll see you soon."

"You too," said Joonmyun. He watched Yifan walk out of the building and into his car, looking back at Joonmyun just once. They only needed more time.

 

 

 

Joonmyun needed to feel again.

He needed late night conversations and soft kisses in dark corners and small smiles when no one else was looking. He needed a flutter, a spark, a flame that consumed him until he felt like he was flying again.

He needed to know that he wasn't devoid of love, that he could get it and give it back without hesitation. He needed to break the chains that seemed to tie him to _one person,_ someone that held him back even if they haven't said a word to each other in years.

On his worst days, Joonmyun's hands would itch at his phone. It would taunt him, tempt him to dial Yifan's number or at least send him a voice message. Sometimes, Joonmyun cracked and tried to do it.

"This sucks," he started once. He was tired and a little tipsy, and the members left him at his room when he started rambling and slurring. Now that he had some liquid courage in his system, his words wouldn't stop as soon as he started recording.

"I miss you. It's starting to feel stupid because it's been six months and we haven't said a word to each other. I don't know if you've tried— I don't even know if you still care." Joonmyun gulped. "We're all exhausted. It's not your fault." He chuckled. "It's funny how I can say that now. It's been so long, I…

"I loved you," Joonmyun whispered. "And I don't know if I was reading the past five years wrong, but I was really hoping you loved me back."

He chuckled, started laughing so hard until his stomach hurt and tears pricked his eyes, though he didn't know if it was because of laughter or the overwhelming sadness that washed over him at the thought of his five years with Yifan.

Joonmyun paused, stopped the recording, and threw his phone all the way to the other bed across the room. He curled up into himself, clutching his sides as his laughter dissolved into soft sobs muffled into his sheets. It's been months, but he was still crushed at Yifan and Luhan, two friends that decided they would cut themselves out of everyone else's lives.

They informed the company almost a month before they wanted to do it, but that leeway between their meeting and the official media announcement that they would depart from the group was always the most difficult. They dealt with choreography changes and line redistributions. They dealt with grudges and sentimental goodbyes.

Joonmyun dealt with a broken heart.

A few months later, he found the recording uploaded to his cloud drive. Joonmyun was tired and lonely enough to start talking to a hypothetical Yifan again.

"We're in London again," he whispered to the phone. "I remembered, uh," Joonmyun smiled, "how you led me around that night. Even though you didn't know anything about the place before, you made it a point to hold my hand and drag me everywhere."

He remembered how Yifan held him the way he did in front of thousands of people onstage. They laughed and blushed, but Joonmyun felt at home whenever he had Yifan's touch to guide him.

"The fans were rowdy, and we've all been so tired. I can't really go out with anyone without getting mobbed." He sighed. "I miss our time here. You kissed me in the middle of the sidewalk, and I—" Joonmyun chuckled, "I was so terrified of someone seeing us. But it was perfect. It was worth it."

The next time he opened the file again, it was on his twenty-fourth birthday. "I miss our birthday parties. You always took my gifts too seriously even though we said we would stop when we debut together." Joonmyun leaned against the stack of gifts he got from his fans. "It's funny how we always said we'd debut together and stay together.

"It's funny how some of those things changed."

He stopped after that. He never deleted it, but he never wanted to hear his voice cracking that way again. He never wanted to feel that vulnerable, talking to the silence that surrounded and overwhelmed him. When he closed the file one last time, he told himself that it was the last time he would ever think of Yifan. If Yifan was allowed to walk out of their lives…

Joonmyun was going to let him.

 

 

 

Walking into the set for the first time was always an exhilarating, nervous feeling that thrummed through his body. Joonmyun smiled at the staff members and stressed assistants that he knew he'd be meeting almost every day for the next few months. Junghwan led him to a small dressing room, and he was relieved to have a little private space.

"I'm glad they found a commercial space with enough extra rooms," Junghwan said while closing the curtains. "This would be a nightmare if you had to share a room with someone."

"True," whispered Joonmyun. He sat on the couch at the corner of the room and went through the script in his tablet. They were going to film the bulk of the scenes that would take place in their apartments for the next week or so. At least it required little movement through sets, and since they rented an entire floor of a commercial space, they had free security and rooms for every major cast member.

His makeup artist came in a few minutes later and started working on him while he was memorizing his lines for today. Haneul chided him for sleeping late again as she concealed what little could actually be seen of his dark circles. "Your face makes more money than I do while fixing it."

Joonmyun chuckled. "I really don't know if I'm supposed to take that as a compliment or an insult."

"Both," she teased, and she concealed one last dark spot before setting his makeup with a mist. "All done. Junghwan should be out there screaming for you by now."

"Thanks," said Joonmyun.

As soon as he stepped out of the room, he made eye contact with Yifan who was being fanned by his assistant beside the water cooler. They nodded at each other, and his assistant took off the clips holding his hair up before he stood and she couldn't reach his head anymore.

"Day one," Yifan said to Joonmyun. He grimaced in response. "Eunhye's scheduled for shooting later. We're doing the telephone scene now."

"I heard," Joonmyun said, quiet and disinterested. "Let's just go."

Joonmyun felt Yifan's fingers itch to stop him, maybe hold him by the wrist like how he always did, but their comfort in predicting movements somehow hadn't faltered yet. He stepped forward too fast for Yifan to touch him, and Joonmyun looked back for a second before motioning to the room at the end of the hall where they were going to film their scene.

"Come on," he said.

Yifan sighed and put on his cool mask, the one that kept him detached and safe for many, many years. "I know."

Even though Joonmyun was terrified of it at first, acting with Yifan was easy. It almost felt like they were falling back into an old pattern: taking up characters that were far from the truth, but the lie felt real enough that they were living in it so effortlessly.

When Joonmyun took up the character of Suho, he was afraid that he was forming into someone he didn't know at all. He smiled at everything and took everyone's shit as if it was a part of his duty as a leader to bear the weight of the world on his shoulders. He took it all in stride until it became too much.

Then his pillar fell too, and he learned to just give up.

When Yifan left, Joonmyun quit pretending that he was some sort of guardian for everyone to throw shit at without him complaining. He started showing his real self as Joonmyun, stopped being so uptight and self-deprecating, and felt like his idol life was actually worth living.

Yifan handed him a glass of water after a particular scene that took them a few takes to nail. They sat stiffly in plastic chairs lined up by the hallway, bowing to staff members after a long day of filming.

"Are you going home?" Yifan asked. After a week and a half of working together, Joonmyun could say that he didn't feel like running away from him anymore. Even as they sat with their backs ramrod straight facing slightly away from each other, he didn't bristle at the sound of Yifan's voice.

He shook his head and threw the empty cup in the bin. "One last solo night scene in my room."

"Sounds interesting," said Yifan, and Joonmyun couldn't help but chuckle. "Sorry. Couldn't resist."

Eunhye passed by them and paused awkwardly as they shared a look. "Uh, I'll see you two tomorrow?"

"Yeah, get home safe," Joonmyun said with a smile. She waved at them both and walked into the elevator. An assistant announced that filming the last scene for the day would start soon. He stood and stretched. "That's my cue."

Yifan held his wrist as he passed by, the other hand tossing his cup into the trash bin. "Have coffee with me later?"

Joonmyun raised an eyebrow and shook his hand off. He didn't want to talk about how Yifan's long fingers felt against his cool skin. Not tonight. "It's almost ten in the evening."

"Let's stop pretending that we can sleep before one in the morning, with or without caffeine in our system." Yifan looked down and smiled. "You still have insomnia too, don't you?"

Joonmyun sighed. "Haneul's always scolding me for it." He considered for a second. "Alright, after my last scene."

Yifan smiled. "I'll be in my dressing room."

———

Junsoo was in bed, dangling his phone over the edge. His fingers would brush past Jihyun's number again and again, but he never got the courage to press the screen and call her.

"It's late. She won't even pick up," he told himself. Junsoo groaned, rolling around in bed. Their conversation earlier in the day was still fresh in his mind, and he would never forget the way she smiled up at him as he asked her out.

But he saw how furious she was when she caught him at Erik's, arguing to the point of screaming at each other. Jihyun stepped between them, her back towards Erik, all her anger directed towards Junsoo. Because she loved Erik, it was the only reasonable explanation.

What was he going to do now?

He called her, but she was probably asleep. It went straight to voicemail. Knowing that he could stop at any time, he started speaking.

"I'm sorry about today. You were right; I was being childish. As much as I want to drag Erik into this again, that would be the stupid thing to do." He paused (and smiled softly at the ceiling, as per the director's instructions.) "You should have seen yourself, how strong and loud you were. I was a little afraid, I admit.

"But you were amazing. You're so brave and… just _strong_. Like nothing in this world will ever stop you when you have something to stand for. I never saw you like that before; I feel like I missed out on that particular transformation." Junsoo sat up, pausing to think of what to say. "I want to be there next time. I'm not… afraid of staying."

He sighed, deleted his message, and buried his phone under his pillow. "This is stupid." Junsoo chuckled and turned over to smother himself with a pillow. "I'm so stupid!" he yelled into the fluff. (The camera panned out then, until the lights turned off and the director yelled, "Cut!")

———

Joonmyun lied down on his dressing room couch, face planted in the cushions. It had been a long day, and he was looking forward to a long bath and less work tomorrow. The hoodie he put on haphazardly was bunching up underneath him, and he turned over to fix it.

He was surprised to see Yifan standing by the doorway, car keys in hand. "Well, you look dressed enough. Let's go."

Joonmyun looked down at himself. "This is dressed up in your eyes? I have an idol image to take care of, you know," he teased.

"We both know it's been a long time since we had to deal with that ridiculous image," said Yifan, leaning against the wall. It was a dull blow, but Joonmyun sighed in agreement. "Come on; the coffee shop I usually go to is about to close."

Joonmyun texted Junghwan as they walked down to where Yifan's car was parked. From what Joonmyun could remember, he had only been back in Korea for a few months, flying to and fro China when he had business to attend to. He was just building his image here again; it would make sense that he would choose a car that was modern but nondescript.

They found themselves in silence as Yifan drove through the streets. A new idol group's song was playing on the TV in the dashboard; Joonmyun recognized one of the members as an SM trainee who had been with the company for a few years before EXO disbanded. He probably cracked at the pressure and moved to another company. Joonmyun couldn't blame him.

"Familiar face?" Yifan asked, looking at Joonmyun briefly as he spoke. He turned on the autopilot function and started watching the performance. It clicked. "Familiar feeling."

"We were once that young," said Joonmyun. Sensing the heavy atmosphere, he tore his eyes away from the screen. "We were once that good at dancing."

Yifan laughed. "Neither of us was any good at dancing."

"But we tried!" Joonmyun looked down and smiled at his lap. There was a particularly good memory he associated with Yifan and dancing, but when he looked back up into Yifan's eyes, he felt a pang of nostalgia that weakened his smile.

The car stopped as soon as the silence started making Joonmyun itch to say something, anything. Even if they were together almost every day for an entire week, it was still difficult to meet Yifan's eyes sometimes. They were always so warm to Joonmyun before, but the gap between them sent shivers down Joonmyun's spine. It was like staring at a ghost.

The late night café was warm, and Joonmyun stumbled into a booth to ward off the fall chill. The remaining baristas were about to ask them to leave, but they saw Yifan and simply smiled while turning on one of their machines. Yifan ordered something for both of them, and Joonmyun trusted that he would still know Joonmyun's preferences somehow. At least that hadn't changed.

What had changed was how Yifan held himself in public. With just a few customers still having a late cup of coffee and some staff members cleaning tables and turning off lights, Yifan sat tall and proud, holding a cup in his insanely large hands.

"You know what's strange?" Joonmyun asked. Yifan cocked an eyebrow and took a sip. "You hate coffee shops."

"What?" Yifan put his cup down on the saucer and leaned forward. "Since when?"

"When we were dating as trainees." Joonmyun wasn't too careful with his volume; the other customers left already and the baristas were just minding their own business. "You hated it when we went out and had coffee."

Yifan shook his head. "No, I hated it when you paid for our dates. I could handle myself, Joonmyun."

"If you had a problem with me being a good boyfriend, you could have said so," Joonmyun said, his tone soft and borderline flirty. Maybe.

"You'd get mad," Yifan chuckled, "because I'd be belittling you for being little."

Joonmyun's expression dropped. "Is that how you saw me?" he deadpanned.

Yifan laughed openly, his familiar gummy smile refreshing Joonmyun's memory of the many times they shared these little arguments. It's nice. Joonmyun leaned back against the couch, his cup slowly growing cold as they bickered bit by bit. It's an easy way to fall back into something comfortable, and Joonmyun found out more things about the new Yifan he was having a cold cup of coffee with at eleven in the evening.

This Yifan liked his coffee as strong as he could; he was even more tired than he was before. This Yifan took his appearance more seriously than he ever did before; he knew his face was his livelihood, not his talent or acting chops. This Yifan hated the internet and all its dangers; he knew the damage that an army of dedicated antis could do.

This Yifan was softer around the edges, a little muted even if he was already quiet before. This Yifan still didn't like crowds, didn't want to socialize all night even if they tried giving him a party boy image long ago.

This Yifan was enjoying his night. This Yifan was making Joonmyun laugh again. This Yifan put his cup down once and didn't pick it up again, too engrossed in the way Joonmyun would share stories of stupid things he did years ago, adventures and misadventures alike.

Then Joonmyun stopped talking. He stared into Yifan's eyes. Over the course of the night, they stopped reminding him of a ghost. Bit by bit, he was seeing this New Yifan staring at him with mirth in his eyes, content at how Joonmyun grew animated when he became comfortable.

Joonmyun wondered what was going on in that mind of his. "What are you thinking about?" he asked, a little too directly. Yifan jumped a bit and picked at the edge of the table.

"Something you did for me a long time ago." He looked away. "Something I couldn't forget."

"Which was?"

Yifan sighed, shifting position so he didn't have to face Joonmyun directly. "When I ran away the first time, you chased after me. All the way in Canada." He looked into Joonmyun's eyes. "Do you remember that?"

"How could I forget?" Joonmyun took a deep breath. "I was terrified, Yifan. That was the first time— the thought of you just leaving, without even saying anything… It was terrifying."

"You know how it was," Yifan said, urging Joonmyun to bring himself back into the state of mind of someone who was still too naïve to accept that being an idol was nothing like what they spent years training for. "I knew I wasn't meant for the idol life even from then."

Joonmyun looked down, playing with his fingers. "I didn't want you to waste years of training just because it wasn't what you expected. We weren't doing well, our debts were piling up, but I couldn't have dealt with that without you."

"And you got me back," Yifan said, smiling softly. "I was actually happy we got back together when we did."

"Wait, what?" Joonmyun shot him a curious look. "We didn't—"

"We got back together when we were alone in Canada, Joonmyun." Yifan shifted in his seat. "You remember this."

"We reconnected when we were promoting together," Joonmyun said, trying to clear up his memory. It was so long ago… "It was right before our first win."

Yifan shook his head. "I clearly remember that year when we broke up before debuting. It was… awful and sad and so, so lonely. And when I was dealing with stress and disillusionment, I always thought, 'I wish I had Joonmyun right now.'"

"And what exactly happened that got us back together?" Joonmyun was starting to hide his face behind his hands, embarrassed at the thought of what his twenty-one-year-old self did to bring Yifan back to Korea.

"We were, uh," Yifan rubbed the back of his neck awkwardly, "in my hotel room. It was the day before you had to go back to Korea. I'm happy I even got you for almost a week."

"Oh god," Joonmyun whispered. "Don't continue."

"For the record, you kissed me first," teased Yifan, glad that the memory wasn't too painful to bring up. He was walking on eggshells after starting the conversation, but the sight of Joonmyun's embarrassed flush kept him comfortable enough to start teasing.

"And you begged me to stay with you," Joonmyun shot back. "You were all teary and sad, and you hugged me like a madman."

"Do you remember what you said then?" Joonmyun shook his head, but he almost didn't want to know. Yifan leaned forward and whispered lowly, "You'd sleep with me if I promised to come back with you the day after."

Joonmyun snorted. "There's no way I said that!"

"Yes, you did," Yifan insisted, and the laughter was bubbling in his throat. "I mean, it's a horrible story to tell the kids, but—"

Yifan stopped himself there. The joke flew past Joonmyun's ears as he grew pensive, thinking back at that night with Yifan. When the haze of ten years finally lifted, he could easily see himself in that dark hotel room, eyes soft as he started packing again.

Yifan was standing behind him, throat constricting him from saying something to stop Joonmyun. But as soon as Joonmyun finished packing and turned to say good night to Yifan, they both couldn't breathe.

It had been almost two years since they broke up, and the past year wasn't filled with much happy memories and success. They were SM's least successful debut so far, and the pressure was always on the leaders to bring out the best in their members. Yifan was miserable, and Joonmyun could see that every time EXO-M went back to Korea during a break from their activities.

Joonmyun couldn't deny it now: he _was_ the one to make the first move. Joonmyun cradled his tired face then, pulling him in for a soft kiss. Yifan did hold him like a madman, like someone drowning who just found his lifeline again. Joonmyun felt the same way; he was so tempted to run away with Yifan, to live this quiet life where they could just forget this stupid idol business and move on with their lives.

But Joonmyun chased after Yifan for a reason, not because their managers told him to. Traveling halfway across the world to bring someone back into a life they didn't want to live wasn't part of his job description. He needed to bring Yifan back to reality, to a life where even if they weren't happy, they had each other.

"I’m sorry," Yifan had said. His hands were cold at the side of Joonmyun's hip, shaking as he held the back of Joonmyun's neck. "I'm not good enough for this. Not good enough to be an idol, not good enough for you—"

"Don't," Joonmyun warned. His hand moved downwards, and their fingers linked neatly. It wasn't the first time they held hands like this on that day, but it never failed to bring warmth back to Joonmyun's face. "I didn't come all this way just to let you go. Come home with me."

"I don't know where home is, Joonmyun," Yifan whispered against his forehead. Joonmyun felt strands of his fringe stick to his forehead, damp with Yifan's tears. He cracked; Joonmyun felt that with each quiver of his lips.

"Come home. With _me,_ " Joonmyun repeated. Yifan closed his eyes and let his hands wander, tracing the curves of Joonmyun's face to the bony points on his body. He let both of his hands hold Joonmyun's, both of them still shaking as he opened his eyes.

Joonmyun stared into his eyes, earnest smile crawling past the nerves that kept him rooted to his position. "Promise me you'll come home, and I promise that I'll stay."

"Stay where?"

"With you. Wherever we are. Even if it means the entire world's against us. Even if this has to happen every single time we start questioning our decision to stay." Joonmyun pressed their bodies together, tiptoeing to get a better angle at Yifan's lips. Yifan's eyes shut again at the sensation of Joonmyun's breath ghosting over his lips. "I'll stay tonight. Just… promise me you'll come home. _Please._ "

Joonmyun snapped out of his reverie then and there. He could clearly remember the salt on his tongue, tears and sweat mixing into every feverish kiss they shared that night. He was gentler with Yifan, but he knew it was because both of them were about to break from within. And after that, the two of them stared at the ceiling and talked. Just talked. All night until they couldn't keep their eyes open.

The next day, Joonmyun woke up to the sound of Yifan struggling to zip his bag, smiling softly at Joonmyun with puffy eyes when he got up to give him a good morning kiss. The rest was history.

And now they were alone in a coffee shop with baristas about to escort them out, staring at the swirls in their now-cold cups of coffee. Joonmyun tried to say something, but it got caught at the back of his throat, along with that familiar taste of salt that he reunited with on the night that Yifan told him he was going to leave for good.

"I made up my mind," Yifan said, "as soon as I saw you in the airport."

Joonmyun looked up at him with a curious expression. "What do you mean?"

"The moment I saw you there, all tired and sleepy but still determined to see me—" He stopped to take a breath. "I knew I had to come back. If I knew that you'd go halfway across the world to bring me back, if there was someone there who cared for me the way you did, I wouldn't have left in the first place. As soon as I saw you, I was thinking of buying a ticket right there and then."

To Yifan's surprise, Joonmyun just laughed. His soft chuckle filled the silence in the coffee shop. "You made me go through all that," he ducked his head to hide his smile, "when you knew you were coming back anyway?"

"Hey," Yifan started, "consider it a vacation."

Joonmyun snorted again, rolling his eyes. "The only one we ever had."

"Until Amsterdam." It brought a smile to Yifan's face and a passive expression on Joonmyun's. Yifan had the liberty of looking at that as some kind of lovers' getaway; Joonmyun could only remember staring blankly at the ceiling when they returned to Amsterdam for some photoshoot or whatever.

"A conversation for another time," he said. Joonmyun slid out of the booth, smiling at the barista who was awkwardly standing behind them. "Thank you for your service."

"We'll come again," said Yifan, all smiles as well.

The walk back to the car was quiet but peaceful. Joonmyun felt like they said enough to each other for the day. It was the most contact they had in weeks. Joonmyun sat in the passenger's seat, humming along to the late night reruns of music shows on Yifan's dashboard. He directed Yifan to his apartment and sighed in relief as they finally arrived.

"Thanks for tonight," he said. Politely. It was the most he could say.

"Yeah?" Yifan was staring at him with that pensive expression again. It made Joonmyun squirm and open the door in haste. Yifan sounded like he was about to say something, but the atmosphere in the car was starting to get stuffy and Joonmyun was having none of it.

"Good night." Then he turned away.

Joonmyun collapsed on his bed that night, barely remembering to strip off his clothes. What was he feeling? Was it… freeing to be able to talk to Yifan like that again? They teased and joked and had an honest recalling of a critical moment in their lives, and Joonmyun felt just a little bit lighter.

He had been running from those memories for years. Then Yifan suddenly barged back into his life, all long limbs and tired eyes and awful gummy smile, and Joonmyun felt a dam burst. He was smiling and laughing and crying all at the same time, and the ghost from his past sent him a message on his phone:

_"Hope you had fun. I missed talking to you. Missed having a good friend around. Let's meet up for coffee tomorrow?"_

Joonmyun wiped his tears away, trying to come up with a reply.

 _"I did. Tomorrow, coffees on me."_ He stopped there, thinking of something to say. He could stop there, ignore half the message, and move on without a hitch. But even as he already sent the message, he couldn't stop himself.

_"I missed this too."_

 

 

 

Joonmyun was greeted by a large smile from Chanyeol as he walked into their usual function room with a gift in hand. Everyone was there for Chanyeol's birthday, even Yixing who had to go to Korea for an endorsement deal. Joonmyun sat beside him that night.

"How are you?" asked Yixing as they waited for the food they ordered. Joonmyun shrugged, focusing more on how Yixing looked. It had been months since they last saw each other, but he was looking more and more tired each time. Yixing was always a workaholic; Joonmyun thought that would change when he was free to take his career in whatever direction he wanted.

"I should be asking that to you," Joonmyun said. "You look… well, for the lack of a better word, awful."

Yixing chuckled, taking a shot of soju. "Thanks, Joonmyun. I appreciate that." He shook off the comment and leaned back in his seat. "I miss Korea. I've only been here about five times in the past two years."

"Really? So work's keeping you busy now?"

Yixing raised an eyebrow. "I should be asking that to you." Joonmyun didn't like what that slight smirk could mean. "How's Yifan?"

That caught the entire group's attention. Joonmyun shifted in his seat. "He's fine, but you would know that. You never stopped contacting him."

"But you did," Kyungsoo said. "And most of us too, but we've reconnected with all of them over the years."

"So did I." It took Joonmyun a few months before he could find the confidence to send Lu Han a message. They were never exceptionally close, but Joonmyun found comfort in hearing his voice again. Lu Han became so popular in China and it got more and more difficult for him to find time to breathe, but he often called Yixing and Minseok. They would hide in the bathroom, but everyone knew his voice even from their tinny phone speakers.

Zitao reached out to Joonmyun first. He was a lot braver than Joonmyun expected, and even if he was a little hurt when Zitao told him he wanted to leave, he knew it was for the best. He'd have video calls with him, and Sehun would tag along, eventually stealing the tablet for himself. Joonmyun missed him the most.

"Not with Yifan," said Yixing. His smile said enough; he knew something. Joonmyun didn't want to find out anymore.

Sehun showed his phone to the group. It was from Joonmyun's fan café, a picture of him with Yifan from the night before in their usual café. Joonmyun didn't even notice that someone caught them. They were talking, smiles on their faces as they leaned low and close together. They looked amicable. Comfortable.

Joonmyun remembered talking about Sehun's prissy dog. Yifan noted that it was just as bratty as its owner. They laughed. Yifan inched closer. Joonmyun didn't care anymore.

"You look comfortable," Minseok said. The rest of the table looked at Joonmyun with concern because they knew he suffered the most from Yifan's departure. Minseok looked at Joonmyun with concern because he knew _why_ he suffered the most from Yifan's departure.

Minseok knew why Yifan was a little gentler with Joonmyun, even from their pre-debut days. He knew why they would spend an extra minute or so in the dorms before they had to leave for pre-recordings or interviews. He knew why Joonmyun cried alone in the bathroom a few weeks before Yifan said he was scheduled to leave.

Joonmyun knew others probably had an inkling, but they were good enough friends in the first place to pretend that their closeness was just due to friendship and their shared burden. Minseok caught them as their relationship bloomed, and he knew better.

"How is he?" Sehun asked. He was close to Yifan too; Joonmyun remembered him crying on Joonmyun's sleeve when the news was broken to the entire team. "I mean, I've spoken to him on the phone before, but it's different when you've been working with him for the past month."

"Well," Joonmyun smiled to himself, "he's still Yifan. Kind of dorky, same stupid stories, except they're all about his blunders instead of ours. He's…" Joonmyun paused and thought of something to say. "He's Yifan. A little older, a little wiser, but the essentials haven't changed."

He stared blankly at the table in front of him. They've been working together almost nonstop for the past six weeks; was that all he could say? They talked and talked and built a vulnerable foundation for a relationship, and Joonmyun could say he was comfortable with Yifan. Were they friends? They always were.

"Hey, food's here!" Chanyeol yelled, just to break the tension. He smiled at Joonmyun; he knew too. He was their go-between sometimes, and Joonmyun knew he was a good friend. They dropped the subject, and Joonmyun spent the rest of the night in comfortable silence, laughing when it was appropriate and talking only when he felt like he needed to.

Joonmyun hid on the balcony as they started bringing out the drinks. Baekhyun and Jongdae were roasting Chanyeol, and Joonmyun wasn't festive enough to join in or pretend like he was in the mood for it. He stared at the sky as he nursed his can of beer.

"You okay?" asked a voice from behind him. Yixing. He leaned on the railing and faced Joonmyun. "They were looking for you. I said I'd go out and ask."

"I’m fine," Joonmyun said. It wasn't a lie. "Just felt like drinking alone."

Yixing dropped the subject after that, giving a thumbs up to the guys through the glass doors that separated them. He stood beside Joonmyun and silently drank his glass of whatever. Joonmyun noted that he wasn't usually a heavy drinker, but his tolerance probably grew over time. That's good. Joonmyun was always the worst drinker of the bunch.

"Why'd you ask?" Joonmyun turned his head to the side. Yixing stared at him blankly. "About Yifan. Why did you bring it up?"

Yixing shrugged. "I was curious. None of us had the pleasure of working with any of the members that left yet, except for you."

"Yixing," Joonmyun deadpanned.

He slung his arm over Joonmyun's shoulder. "Come on; is it so surprising that I'm concerned about my friend?" Joonmyun's blank stare brought a chuckle to Yixing's lips. "Alright, fine. I spoke to Yifan recently."

"And?"

"He's happy to be working with you," said Yixing, dropping his arm. "He talked about being able to talk to you comfortably again. He said he was afraid of approaching you, but you've always had a soft spot for him." Yixing's eyes twinkled. "We all knew that."

"What do you mean?" Joonmyun's eyes narrowed.

"You weren't very subtle about it. I knew that you two were in a relationship long before he told me that night." Yixing stared out at the view before them. "You're right; I never lost contact with Yifan. He confessed to me about it years ago. Said it was the 'worst part about leaving.' He loved you."

Joonmyun winced at those words. It hurt more because he never said them to Yifan, never heard it from him either. They just agreed that… things were complicated enough. Saying that they loved each other would make things worse, even if they knew it anyway.

Joonmyun knew it with every look they shared. Joonmyun felt it with every touch, every kiss, every moment that Yifan took to hold his hand. There was so much of it that Joonmyun never doubted Yifan felt the same way, not for a moment.

"Well," Joonmyun leaned forward, resting his forehead on the railing, "can't do anything about that now."

"Are you sure about that?" Yixing's teasing smile made Joonmyun laugh. "You never know."

"But I do. We were kids then," Joonmyun said. "We didn't know what we were doing."

"You do now. You're not young anymore; you don't have as much time to mess up anymore." Yixing nudged him. "Don't make the same mistakes again and again."

"Exactly, Yixing." Joonmyun stepped back. "That relationship was a mistake. Coming back to it? Strike two. I'm not going through that again."

Yixing shrugged. "Alright then. I'm just saying—"

"When did you become some sort of relationship expert? Is it because you're in a 'happily committed relationship?'" Joonmyun teased, just to get him off his back. "I read up on you in Chinese tabloids. You're," Joonmyun snorted, "a 'wild lover,' to say the least."

Yixing laughed openly, finishing his drink in discomfort. "That's, well… a publicity stunt. We're scheduled to break up in three weeks."

"Oh, yikes." Joonmyun bit his lip. "Sorry about that."

"No problem. Besides," Yixing placed a hand in Joonmyun's back pocket and slid closer, "you'd know a lot about me being a 'wild lover,' wouldn't you?"

Joonmyun laughed and pushed him away, looking back at the rest of the group who were in their own world. "Shove off. _That_ was a mistake too."

"Hey, we didn't just sleep around," said Yixing, voice growing softer. "We talked. I stayed because I had you to talk to when I was feeling like shit."

"Which was often, mind you," Joonmyun said. He gave Yixing a long hug, resting his forehead on Yixing's shoulder. "I'm glad you're happy now."

"We're all in a much better place than we were in 2016." Yixing pulled away. "You are happy, right?"

He paused, long enough to give it some thought but short enough to make it seem genuine. "Happy enough." Joonmyun smiled at the ground. "Come on; let's go back in."

"Actually, I have to go back to my hotel." Yixing looked at his watch. "I'll say goodbye to the rest of them. I'll call you soon."

"When you break up with your girlfriend of seven months?" teased Joonmyun.

"I'm going to need all the support I can get," Yixing said in mock-hurt. He waved at Joonmyun before going into the room with the others. Joonmyun went back to his beer, faced the city, and sighed to himself.

He thought about Yifan for a split second, but the headache that it caused him wasn't worth it. He went back in the room, joined the laughter, and ignored Yixing's implications that there could be something, that there _was_ something to come back to if he ever decided to entertain that thought with Yifan again. Joonmyun was older, wiser too.

He wasn't supposed to give it a second thought at all.

 

 

 

Joonmyun needed to satisfy himself.

He needed warm hands and soft lips and silent moans that would consume him until he could _forget,_ just for a good minute or two. He gave up on finding a good relationship after too many failed dates and attempts that never lasted for more than a few weeks.

Joonmyun was _tired._ He was tired of searching for something that would never be the same again for him. Yifan was his first in everything. As much as he wanted to forget that aspect of their relationship, he couldn't. He loved Yifan. They never said it out loud, but all Joonmyun needed then was to feel like that again.

But he couldn't. He dated guys and girls, celebrities and fans and random people he met for some reason, and none of them satisfied his need for stability and trust. So he settled for second best: sex.

Which wasn't bad. It was never bad. Joonmyun got around, went out at night, wandered the various cities they went to in their tours, and found his fix whenever he wanted to. Better yet, he knew he would never have to meet any of these strangers again. Attachment was impossible; Joonmyun liked it that way.

It only became bad when he found satisfaction from a source too close to home. Yixing was just as tired, just as empty as Joonmyun was. Probably worse, knowing how SM overworked him so he could pay his debt for having a studio and solo activities in China. He wanted success? He was going to get it, sure, but he was going to pay the price.

The last time they saw each other was in late December. They had a day after their concert to wander around before Yixing went home to Changsha and the rest of them went back to Korea. Yixing was lucky to even get a break.

They were roomed together in Dalian. Yixing arrived a little later than the rest of the group, coming straight from filming in Beijing and hopping on a plane right away. Joonmyun was startled at the figure on his bed when he came back from a quick meeting with the managers, but his shoulders lost tension as he heard Yixing's soft snoring.

"Hey," Joonmyun said softly, nudging him awake. Yixing rolled over, wincing at the dull light from the entry hallway. Joonmyun stroked his hair, suddenly fond. They were never particularly close, but Joonmyun couldn't help but soften at the way he rubbed his eyes and sat up.

"What time is it?" he asked as he struggled to keep his eyes open.

Joonmyun pulled his hands down. "Stop rubbing your eyes. Our makeup artists don't want to deal with premature wrinkles."

Yixing snorted. "Add that to the growing list of imperfections they have to cover up." He stood and started peeling off his clothes. "I’m taking a shower."

Joonmyun hummed in response, kicking off his outer layers and crawling under the covers. His mind briefly regarded the mess he left on the floor, but Yixing was never the type to nag him about being a slob. Hell, that's why they got along just fine. They skirted around in each other's comfort zones, never really provoking the other or calling their attention. Yixing would tease him onstage, and Joonmyun would hold him up whenever he was working himself too hard.

And at a very low period in all of their lives, Joonmyun asked if he wanted to go. If he was going to leave, just like Lu Han, his best friend.

 _"Just like Yifan,"_ Joonmyun had said. He was spiteful because Yixing _knew._ He knew long before the two announced their intentions to the higher ups. He could have warned Joonmyun, helped him make them stay, but he was just as awful as all of them, whether he stayed or not—

Needless to say, they both regretted that conversation.

That was two years ago. Now Yixing came out of the bathroom, clad only in his boxers and a towel around his hair. He fell beside Joonmyun, too lazy to make the two-meter walk to the other bed.

"Get your wet hair off my pillow," Joonmyun muttered against the softness of the duvet.

"Make me," Yixing said without heat, quickly drying his hair with the towel to avoid any physical altercation with a cranky Joonmyun. Joonmyun tried kicking him off, but Yixing managed to roll over and trap Joonmyun's legs under his ass. Joonmyun groaned, tapping out and moving his legs to keep them from cramping.

Yixing settled down beside him and threw the towel to the side. "How are you?" he asked.

"I should be asking that to you," Joonmyun teased. "How's the solo life?"

Yixing chuckled. "'I'm not going solo; I'm here as a member of EXO, for as long as my brothers and I are together.'"

"Save the speech for the cameras, Zhang Yixing," said Joonmyun. He turned to his side and leaned his head on his hand. "You look tired."

"As usual." Yixing smiled softly with his eyes glazed over as if his mind was already in a far-off place. "Aren't we always?"

"It's getting better, I think." Joonmyun didn't believe his own words. "We're just getting used to it."

Yixing stretched, turning his body and inching closer to Joonmyun. "We need a long, stress-free vacation."

"Or just a quick break," said Joonmyun. Yixing took his hand and slowly massaged it, calloused fingers deftly digging into his flesh. Joonmyun hummed in contentment. "Need a break, a way to relieve all this stress and tension."

"Massage?" Joonmyun hummed again, closing his eyes as Yixing moved his hand up to his forearm. "Sex?"

Joonmyun snorted and shoved Yixing away, laughing as Yixing had the gall to act offended. "Fuck off."

"Hey, I'm serious!" Yixing stood up defiantly, with the dim light from the hallway casting gorgeous shadows on the lean muscle of his body. Which Joonmyun had seen before. It wasn't anything new; it just… wasn't an option before.

But now? It was a little intriguing, to say the least.

"Are you really?" asked Joonmyun. Not timid, not daring, just… curious. With the way Yixing's tongue darted out quickly to swipe against his lips, Joonmyun could say he was curious too. A little interested, maybe.

Yixing leaned forward and forced Joonmyun to sit up against the headboard. "It seems fun."

"Yeah?" Joonmyun cupped his cheek, fitting his fingers behind Yixing's ear. He liked the touch, leaning in towards Joonmyun's shaking hand. Wait, when did he start getting nervous?

Yixing kneeled on the bed; his hands found the hem of Joonmyun's shirt in a mere second. "It's nothing big. We're just releasing stress, that's all."

"True," Joonmyun whispered. He leaned up a bit, and Yixing's eyes fluttered as the breaths mingled. "No need to make it weird, right?"

"Agreed," Yixing muttered against Joonmyun's lips, and they really weren't able to say much for the rest of the night.

Yixing, as Joonmyun noted that night, was just as fluid and sensual in bed as he was onstage. Joonmyun knew his smooth movements would translate well into sex, and he liked how easy it was to let go when it came to Yixing. As good as it felt physically, he knew there wasn't any attachment or feelings to weigh him down when he was just having some mindless— _mind-blowing_ —sex.

They laughed afterwards, passing a bottle of water back and forth as they teased and joked around. Joonmyun alluded to a _next time,_ and Yixing replied with a smirk and an intrigued look in his eyes. Oh, there definitely would be a next time.

It went on for a good part of the year, keeping them nice and sated every time they were in the same city. Yixing was the ideal person to do this with; they were close enough for it to be good and comfortable, but not close enough that it would devastate either of them if anything went wrong. Yixing never got too touchy with Joonmyun outside their hotel rooms, and Joonmyun still gave Yixing the comfort that he needed when the pressure on him to succeed alone was getting too much.

They talked often, before and after sex usually. Yixing sometimes stuttered and stumbled with his Korean, but Joonmyun stayed there with Yixing's head on his lap to wait until he could get his anxiety out in whatever language he could manage. When he grew too tired for words, he'd lean up for a kiss and that was it. Talking's over.

And Joonmyun? Well, he just needed to be needed. Wanted the thrill, the touch, and the feeling that someone thought he was valuable, important. Sex with Yixing would always feel good, one way or another, but what he was after were the moments after when they would sit there in companionable silence.

"I want to leave," said Yixing, voice raw after sex. They were never very vocal, but Yixing was exhausted nonetheless.

It was their second comeback of the year, and Yixing was flying back and forth between Korea and China to fulfill promotions and endorsements here and there. Joonmyun looked at him, not with anger or betrayal, but deep understanding.

"If that's what you think is best," Joonmyun whispered, "do it."

"I won't," Yixing said. "I want to, but I won't. I just— needed to say it."

Joonmyun sighed in relief. He was tired of picking up after everyone. He was tired of having to deal with the aftermath of each scandal, each problem that his bandmates caused. _He_ wanted to leave, but he was still their _leader._ He was the only one they had left.

They didn't sleep around much after that. Joonmyun kept to his comfort zone, and Yixing stayed in his. They would tease and play around onstage, but Joonmyun felt Yixing's unease in every fanservice action they had to do. He never actually left— _thank goodness,_ Joonmyun thought—but Joonmyun felt like he always had one foot out the door.

And Joonmyun? He was still sick of expecting anything from others, so he went into every late night date with no expectations, no strings attached. It was… lonely, to say the least. Sometimes he wished he could be more: more for Yifan, _maybe he would have stayed;_ more for Yixing, _maybe there could have been something;_ and more for all the random strangers that walked in and out of motel rooms with him, _maybe there could have been someone,_ anyone, _who would stay._

Slowly, he just gave up. And slowly, when he closed his heart and let himself grow cold and numb, being alone felt okay.

 

 

 

"It's freezing out here."

Joonmyun turned his head to the side, wincing as some of the sand blew past his face. Yifan was behind him, a few feet away as he tried to stay away from the winter sea. "Then go back inside and film," said Joonmyun, and he faced the sea again.

He finished his scenes in the vacation house about an hour ago, and he used up his time on the beach to sit by the waves and breathe. It reminded him of a lot of things in the past, and Yifan's voice only brought shivers to his already-cold body. He sat beside Joonmyun, all bundled up in his thermal coat, and they stayed there in silence.

"I always think of you when I'm near the sea," Joonmyun blurted out. It seemed fitting to start talking about it now. They had been dancing around each other and building a foundation for a new relationship for the past few weeks. Joonmyun knew the man he was seated beside again, and the time was right. He felt like it was right.

"Yeah?" Yifan said, turning his head to gaze at Joonmyun's profile. "What do you think of?"

"That time," Joonmyun smiled, "when you went into the sea for a reality show."

Yifan chuckled. "It was freezing." Joonmyun looked up at him. "I did it for you."

"You did it for the producers," said Joonmyun.

"I did it," Yifan said with a little more emphasis, _"for you."_

Joonmyun looked away. _Too much. Too soon._

"I was hard on you," Joonmyun shifted topics. "I was angry and bitter and I made this experience difficult for both of us at the beginning."

"It's not entirely your fault. I could have reached out. You were right; I was afraid of approaching you," said Yifan. "I could speak to all the others, but you were the person I hurt the most. I still live with that guilt every time I see you."

"I know that. I know. But let's stop playing the blame game on the past nine years. That was then. This is now." Joonmyun leaned closer to Yifan when a breeze of cold wind passed by them. When their shoulders bumped, Joonmyun stayed there and let Yifan inch closer to share some warmth. "Let's start again."

Yifan looked at him again; this time, Joonmyun wasn't afraid to meet his eyes. "Sounds good to me."

They smiled, enveloped in silence and cold air once again. It's more comfortable now. Joonmyun can breathe easier. Hell, that entire conversation went smoother than how he expected it to go. They've been working together for well over two months; Joonmyun knew him just as well as they knew each other before, except it's all different still.

But they agreed to start again. Joonmyun refused to dwell on their past, even though it was his safeguard against the warmth that never failed to blossom in his chest as he returned Yifan's smile. Yifan stood up and held a hand out, helping Joonmyun up. "Let's go."

"Where?" Yifan was still holding his hand, dragging him towards the waves. "I don't like where this is going."

Yifan grinned. "Just a little payback."

Joonmyun glared at him, but he couldn't stop the smile from spreading on his face. "Let me take off my coat at least!"

"No way. You're not running from me now." And the eagerness in Yifan's voice stopped Joonmyun from doing just that. He slipped off his coat and took Yifan's hand again, bracing himself from the freeze. "Don't worry; I'm coming in with you."

They held each other's forearms as they neared the waves. Joonmyun's shoes and coat were safe from the water, but his teeth were chattering as the wind grew stronger. Yifan looked like a pro, tensing up only when the water touched his feet.

Joonmyun yelped as the waves licked at his shins, and Yifan laughed as he jumped up to avoid the waves. Yifan ended up holding Joonmyun close as a particularly large wave crept up the shores, and they both stumbled at the impact of the water. Joonmyun laughed, wrapping his arms tightly around Yifan's waist in the heat of the moment.

They were wet from the waist down, and Joonmyun gasped as a strong gust of wind blew through them after another chilling wave of water. Yifan was holding him close too, clutching at his shoulders and stroking his hair as Joonmyun leaned against his chest. Joonmyun just laughed, a little giddy and careless for a moment.

"Get off me," he teased, and they started walking back to their clothes, only running when another big wave approached. Joonmyun collapsed on the sand, still giggling as he used his coat as a pillow. Yifan sat beside him, and he used his hand to block the glare of the sun on the horizon.

"Missed this," Yifan muttered. Joonmyun didn't know if he was referring to the beach or to the light feeling between them. "I missed your laugh. I missed doing stupid things for fun."

Joonmyun ignored the first part. "So you miss being young?"

"Somewhat." Yifan shrugged. "But back then, each little action had such ridiculous repercussions. We couldn't do anything we wanted to do."

"That didn't stop us." Joonmyun didn't know why he brought it up, and he rolled his eyes at how Yifan smirked at him. He looked away, ducking to hide the laugh bubbling in his throat and the smile that took over his face. Joonmyun stood up to avoid the conversation he knew was going to happen. He also tried to avoid the way Yifan smiled at him, and how the fluttering in his chest refused to stop.

"Let's get towels," said Joonmyun. They walked back to the trailers, shoving each other aside and laughing at every step of the way. The stylists noted the light atmosphere between the two and wordlessly handed them fresh clothes to change into.

When Joonmyun put down the towel he used to dry his hair, Yifan was across the room, staring at him absently. Joonmyun cocked an eyebrow, chuckling as Yifan suddenly looked away and rubbed the back of his neck.

Joonmyun bowed his head and smiled to himself. _Let's start again._

 

 

 

They didn't need to film anything for the day, so Joonmyun invited Yifan for a walk along the river. This was something they used to do together as trainees, and the weather was warm enough that night for them to walk comfortably by each other's side.

They didn't have a plan or a destination. They didn't have anything to do, anything to hide from. Joonmyun asked himself why he called Yifan up in the first place when they both looked like they could use some rest, but with each brush of Yifan's gloved fingers against his arm, it dawned on him that maybe he just needed someone to be with. Maybe he just didn't want to be alone anymore.

"How is everyone?" asked Yifan. He didn't have to specify; Joonmyun knew who he was talking about.

It came out of nowhere, really. He liked how they fell back into simple patterns in each other's lives, and Joonmyun could talk freely and tease endlessly and laugh with a friend. A good friend. Sometimes Joonmyun wanted to forget about everything in their past; he wanted to keep Yifan in a little bubble in his present life.

Then Yifan brought EXO up, and Joonmyun stiffened. "They're fine. You would know that." Joonmyun bristled at his own tone.

"I haven't seen most of them in years," Yifan said. Pensive. Longing.

Joonmyun paused for a second. "You could."

"What?"

Joonmyun rubbed the back of his neck. "I just remembered that we're meeting up for dinner later. It's Kyungsoo's treat; his latest movie was really successful."

"I watched it. He's always been the best actor," Yifan said with a twinge of something Joonmyun couldn't quite place. Maybe he was talking about Kyungsoo's skill, or maybe he was talking about how Kyungsoo never wanted to be an idol in the first place, but he stuck to it until he found individual success. Unlike Yifan.

"You could come with me," Joonmyun said. "I'm sure they'd like to see you while you're still in Korea."

Yifan shifted uncomfortably, not meeting Joonmyun's eyes. "It would be… awkward. It's better if I don't."

"Come on. _We've_ stopped being awkward, and it was nine years since we last spoke. I'm sure you've had enough contact with them over the years for it to be a lot better than our reunion."

Yifan winced. Joonmyun groaned internally, suddenly realizing what that sounded like. He placed a hand on Yifan's shoulder. "Hey. I didn't mean to say it that way. What I meant was— we're okay now. And it's going to ease up with them if you show up to dinner tonight."

Yifan placed his hand over Joonmyun's and squeezed tightly. "Maybe next time."

Joonmyun squeezed back. "Yifan, I'm not just being nice. I do want you to be there."

"Me too," said Yifan, but he let go of Joonmyun's hand. "Maybe next time," he repeated.

He slung his arm over Joonmyun's shoulders and pulled him closer, noting how they both shivered at the chilly air and the warmth that they shared with the slight touch. "Let's keep walking. I'll help you get a cab."

Joonmyun pulled back and took Yifan's hand in his, intertwining their fingers as they always did when they went out at night as trainees. He survived many cold nights with Yifan's touch keeping him safe and warm. Yifan's eyes widened a bit, but he held on tighter as they walked against the cold breeze.

"I'll text you the address of the restaurant," Joonmyun said as soon as Yifan thought he would drop the issue. "If you ever change your mind, there'll be a seat for you there. Beside me, if you're scared of being alone."

"But I won't?"

Joonmyun smiled. "Yeah. I won't let you. And they'll be glad to see you, despite what you think."

The cab stopped before them, and Joonmyun slid his hand away from Yifan's. "I'll see you soon."

"Yeah. Take care." Yifan smiled and waved at him as the cab drove away.

Joonmyun spaced out on the cab ride, when he arrived at the restaurant, even as they were eating already. Chanyeol placed a hand on his back, shooting him a look as Joonmyun stared at the piece of beef on his plate. "You okay?"

He smiled, shrugging off Chanyeol's touch. "It's nothing." Joonmyun glanced at the clock; it's way too late for Yifan to make an appearance now. At least he tried.

"You've been spacing out all night," said Kyungsoo. "You're tired."

"You know what will fix this?" Baekhyun said with a dangerous glint in his eyes.

Jongdae groaned. "Please don't say alcohol."

"Well, _besides_ alcohol," Baekhyun chuckled, "does noraebang sound good to anyone?"

Chanyeol and Jongin cheered while Kyungsoo sighed and pulled out his credit card. "Let's get this over with."

They all started talking animatedly about what they wanted to do that night, all the songs they wanted to sing, all the chicken Jongin wanted to order, how much Kyungsoo felt like strangling Baekhyun; the usual topics. Joonmyun, as usual, stared deep into the dark screen of his phone.

"You're spacing out again," said Minseok. He smiled as Joonmyun shook off his concern. He leaned closer. "Tell me what's going on with you."

"It's nothing," he whispered. "I am just tired from filming all week. Today's been my only break."

Minseok raised an eyebrow, as curious and concerned as he usually was. "You sure that's it?"

"Yeah, I'm sure." Joonmyun turned away and took his coat. "Come on; let's get drunk."

They couldn't stop Joonmyun even if they tried. He was deep into his sixth drink of the night. Everyone else wasn't doing much better; Jongdae and Baekhyun were screaming into the mic, Minseok and Jongin left before anything worse happened, Kyungsoo was staring blankly at the wall, and Chanyeol was lying down with his head on Joonmyun's lap, rambling endlessly about his new girlfriend.

 _"I love her,"_ he moaned, clutching his phone against his chest. "She's brilliant and funny and talented and she— _she_ _gets me,_ you know?"

Joonmyun made a sound of acknowledgment. This girl was Chanyeol's third girlfriend of the year, and honestly, it didn't seem like it was going to last. She was a trainee, _a twenty-one-year-old,_ who was way too young for a serious relationship. Chanyeol never had any luck at all with relationships; they wouldn't be surprised if they would break up a week later.

Chanyeol sat up, and he threatened to heave with the sudden movement. "I'm going to propose."

"Please don't," said Kyungsoo.

"We're going to get married. Next week." He stood up and shakily walked towards the door. "I'm going to propose tonight."

" _Please_ don't." Kyungsoo dragged him back down and handed him a paper bag just in case he really did start throwing up. Chanyeol threw a tantrum on the couch, and Joonmyun and Kyungsoo had to hold him down before he went out and did something stupid, like propose to a girl who was probably using his status as a famous producer to get ahead in the game.

He started throwing up a few minutes later. Joonmyun groaned. "I'm not nearly drunk enough for this."

"I'm completely sober and I feel like I'm going to die," Kyungsoo said, slowly rubbing Chanyeol's back as he let out all of the contents of his stomach. "I'm taking all of you home before this gets worse."

"Take us too," Baekhyun grumbled. He stumbled all the way to the door, dragging Jongdae with him.

Kyungsoo ushered the three of them out. He looked back at Joonmyun who was suddenly quiet as the opening chords of a perky pop song started playing. "Get home safe, yeah?"

Joonmyun looked up, and his eyes looked dimmer as he was surrounded by happy noise. "You too."

Joonmyun sat there, drunk and craving for something he _didn't know._ He wanted to drink more, to talk to someone, to scream at the empty room. Alcohol was a bad, bad, _bad_ idea. He took out his phone and blindly called his most recent contact.

 _"Hello?"_ a groggy voice said. Yifan was sleeping— _of course he was_ —but Joonmyun was a little too drunk to care.

"Fuck. I'm sorry," Joonmyun slurred. "I shouldn't have done this."

_"Joonmyun—"_

"This sucks. I missed you." Joonmyun leaned back against the couch and stretched his legs. The silence on the phone was covered up by the loud music still blaring on the speakers. Joonmyun got a half-empty can of beer and started drinking again.

 _"… Are you drunk?"_ Yifan paused. _"Do you need me to pick you up?"_

"I can take of myself, thank you very much." Joonmyun hiccupped. He started laughing, tears threatening to spill out of his eyes. He didn't know what was going on, what he was thinking, what he wanted to say, _why he needed to call Yifan in the first place._

Yifan was silent again, but Joonmyun could hear movement from his side. _"Are you still in the restaurant you texted me the address to? Obviously not; you can't be this drunk in such a public place."_

"Noraebang. Across the street. Room 7." Joonmyun dropped the phone, opting to pass out and hope that no one would kick him out or take a bad photo of him and send it to Dispatch or something. He was too tired for that shit.

And he woke up to fingers in his hair and arms holding him close to a warm body. It was Yifan— _of course it was_ —and it took him seven seconds before he was able to move his head by an inch.

They were in Yifan's apartment. Yifan had his head tilted back, snoring unattractively with his mouth gaping open. They were both on the couch; it was probably too much effort for Yifan to drag him to the couch and make his way to his room.

Or Joonmyun, in his horribly drunken state, begged him to stay. It probably wasn't far from the truth.

Joonmyun tried to pry himself out of Yifan's embrace, but his head was throbbing terribly. He was clearly too old to be drinking like this. He groaned as the light from behind the blinds triggered another painful throb, and Yifan roused as he rolled down to the floor to cover his eyes.

"What the hell's going on?" mumbled Yifan.

He groaned at the sound of his voice. "Get me some painkillers and water."

Yifan stood up shakily and made his way to the kitchen. He helped Joonmyun sit up and sat across him on the floor as he took the medicine and finished the glass of water. Yifan increased the tint on the windows and dimmed the lights. It was past eight in the morning, but it was good that neither of them had a schedule to attend to for that day.

"What was that about?" Yifan asked. Joonmyun stared at him blankly, wondering what the hell he was referring to. " _Last night._ You called me all of a sudden, said you missed me, and now we're here."

Joonmyun buried his head in his hands. "What else did I say?" he muttered against his wrist.

"You said you missed me. You said you wished I was with you all night. You, uh," Yifan chuckled, "you wished that Chanyeol would be miserable."

"I _said_ that?" Joonmyun couldn't help but smile.

"Yes, you did. Said he was an 'obnoxious asshole that loved to rub his happy life in your face even if it's never going to last,'" Yifan said with matching air quotes. "He should get married and live a horribly happy life far, far away from your miserable one."

Joonmyun laughed, taking a pillow and hiding his face behind it. When he looked up, Yifan was smiling at him with that expression that Joonmyun could never put a finger on. He never understood why Yifan's eyes were so soft, why his gummy smile dimmed down to a gentle curve of his plush lips that were neither cocky nor amused. He didn't want to anymore.

"What were you talking about, really?" asked Yifan. Joonmyun sobered up at the tone of his voice. "When you said you missed me, I didn't get it. We've been working together for months, talking and staying together and everything. It doesn't make sense."

Joonmyun sighed, and he leaned his head against the edge of the couch. He didn't know where to start, how to say it. "I missed… having you around in my life the way we were before. It's stupid because that was ages ago, but I haven't stopped wanting you that way."

"Wait, what—"

" _No,_ not like that!" Joonmyun bit his lip to hold back his smile. Yifan was doing the same. "I didn't mean it that way. I haven't stopped wanting you as the friend that wasn't really a best friend. I wanted to have you as the one person I could trust with everything. It's stupid and childish, but it's something I've never had again.

"We're always talking about moving on from the past and starting over again, and I know I was the one who said that first. But it's difficult because _you're still Yifan,_ and you're still the same person that I knew then. I can't help but compare how we were then to how we are now."

Yifan didn't respond. He stared at Joonmyun, really looking through his defenses as he sat, hungover on his living room floor. Joonmyun looked up and met his eyes.

"So you want to go back to how we were before?" Yifan's eyes were soft again, but Joonmyun felt the trepidation in the air.

"Yeah."

"And you're aware," Yifan inched forward, "that back then, we were never really _just friends?_ " Joonmyun heard his voice shake. "If we stop this 'starting again' shit and go back to how we were, you're opening up to the possibility of there ever being an 'us' again?"

Joonmyun stared at him. Yifan was vulnerable _,_ _hopeful_. Joonmyun didn't know if Yifan wanted him to say yes or if he wanted to close that chapter in their relationship for good.

But could they? Because at this moment, sitting across each other on the floor, clad in clothes that stink of alcohol, with no one watching and no audience to cater to…

"I'll take that risk."

 

 

 

———

"Jihyun."

She turned around to face Junsoo, hand on the doorknob. She was still slightly flushed from the way he smiled at her as he first saw her in the restaurant, to how he laughed at all her stories about her everyday life, to how he refused to let her come up alone, as if he was soaking up every second with her. It was the greatest night of her life.

And with how he stepped forward to cup her cheek and press her gently against her front door, he wanted to make it better.

(The director refused to give them guidance for this scene. He wanted their kiss to be as natural as possible, even if involved blunders and awkward laughs. They wouldn't treat this like a kiss in a cheesy drama; it was a one-take affair that wouldn't be edited over with dramatic music or a glow filter that exaggerated the magic of the moment.)

Junsoo bumped her nose before he dove in for the kiss, enjoying how her hands found their way to his waist. They kissed with curiosity, a little hope as they smiled against each other's mouths. Junsoo hesitated for only a second and tried to pull away, but Jihyun cupped his face and slid her hands to his hair.

"Don't let this night end," she whispered. (That wasn't part of the script.)

"I have to," Junsoo said. "But," he pulled away from her, smiling as she whined softly, "I can make it happen again."

——— 

"Brilliant adlibs! For everyone else, that's it for today," the director said. He clapped their backs as they walked off the set. Joonmyun and Eunhye smiled, laughing off the slightly awkward atmosphere. That was a good screen kiss, but they weren't particularly close enough for them to shrug it off easily.

Joonmyun stayed in the break room, looking for a quick snack before he would head home. Yifan didn't come to filming that day, said he was sick with a fever. Joonmyun thought of visiting him, but he was tired too.

"Hey," a voice said. It was Eunhye, fresh faced and still sweetly smiling at him. "Good job today."

"You too," said Joonmyun.

They made their own cups of coffee and grabbed cookies, looking outside the room if their managers were anywhere near them. Eunhye laughed and sat down on the couch while Joonmyun stood by the sink.

"Can I ask something a little," Eunhye swallowed, "personal, maybe?"

"Sounds ominous," Joonmyun teased. He took a sip of his shitty instant coffee. "Shoot."

Eunhye shifted in her seat. "You and Yifan were close before, right?"

Joonmyun snorted. "Understatement of the year, yes. We were close, but I'm sure you can search that on the internet and you'll find out all about it. Where did this come from?"

"You just…" She chuckled awkwardly. "You seem like you two have a past."

Joonmyun stiffened. "We were friends long before we were put in the same group. We became very, very close, and then he left. I was hurt, and our lives became a lot more difficult from then on. I didn't have any contact with him for years, so I guess this is kind of our reunion of sorts." He smiled into his cup. "We do have a past, but that's behind us now."

"Oh," Eunhye said, noting his sheepish grin and the way he winced as he talked about their past. "It's pretty obvious, you know."

"What?" he asked, confused.

"You two." Her smirk said it all. "At first I thought it was awkward because you two had a bad end as members of EXO, but now I get it."

"It's not—"

"I've worked with my ex before," she said. "A real one, not just a publicity stunt-type of ex. It was awkward, definitely, but we realized why we ended things while working with each other again. I don't think you're going through what I did."

She held up a hand before Joonmyun could get a word out. "I thought it was weird when you two were always awkward or staring at each other across the room. And whenever you two were talking, I couldn't even get a word out. It's like the tension between you was choking everyone else. They said it was because you two weren't on good terms as bandmates.

"But after a while… you should see how you look at each other." Eunhye smiled. "It's really cute. I don’t know how no one else sees it, but it's clear as day from where I’m standing."

Joonmyun didn't know how to respond, not because he would be lying if he said that there was nothing between them now, but because he would be lying if he said there was no possibility of something ever happening _._ After the incident in the past week, they had been pretty friendly, borderline flirty at times, but nothing more than that. He couldn't confirm her suspicions when, really, nothing had happened yet.

_Yet?_

"I, uh, really don't know where this is all coming from, but," Joonmyun poured the contents of his terrible coffee down the drain and threw the cup in the bin, "I really don't know where this came from. Yifan and I were good friends, and we're slowly going back to that. That's it."

Eunhye smiled knowingly. "Sure, Joonmyun. I'll believe it when I stop seeing it."

When Yifan went back to filming two days later, Joonmyun couldn't really look at him in the eye. If Eunhye was right—and she probably was—everyone would figure it out. Joonmyun didn't want to think they were that easy to read, but his bandmates knew and his co-worker did too. That was enough for Joonmyun to keep his distance, just for a few hours on set.

"Remember, everyone. The second trailer's being released tonight. Post it on social media, tell your friends to watch it, don't let this flop!" one of the producers said. "Good night, and get home safe."

Joonmyun packed up his things. When he looked up from his bag, Yifan was by the doorway, holding his car keys in one hand and his coat on the other. "Dinner at my place?"

"Sure, give me a minute." Joonmyun smiled at him through the mirror and put on his coat. Junghwan nodded when he saw him go down to the parking space with Yifan, and Joonmyun purposely ignored the way Eunhye gazed at them, suspicious again.

Yifan set the car on autopilot as he leaned back and closed his eyes. "You okay?" asked Joonmyun.

"I haven't entirely recovered," Yifan said. "Are you okay with takeout?"

Joonmyun snorted. "When did we ever have anything other than takeout food?" He grinned at the blank expression on Yifan's face. "I'm fine with anything, okay? I'll order."

It was funny; they had already developed patterns and routines when they were together. Joonmyun would bring out the food, Yifan would set up the movie they used as background noise, and they would sit down on the floor, eating and talking for hours.

Joonmyun hadn't touched alcohol since that awful night, but he couldn't resist when Yifan opened a bottle of good wine and poured him a glass, regardless of how hard he tried to reject it. Two glasses in, and they were languidly leaning against the couch, laughing as Yifan opened the trailer to their movie on his giant TV.

Yifan cringed at the first scene. "Oh god, I didn't even watch the first trailer."

"I did," Joonmyun lamented. "I was so embarrassed."

"I hope this movie doesn't flop," said Yifan. "'Wu Yifan's return to the Korean entertainment industry, marked by a movie that tanked.' I might never show my face in this country again."

"That would be too bad," Joonmyun said, grinning as he finished his second glass. "I'd miss that pretty face."

"Really?" Yifan laughed. "So even if this movie does awfully, at least you got a glimpse of me, huh?"

"Yeah." Joonmyun grinned against the rim of his empty glass. "I'm a little tipsy."

"I can see that," said Yifan. "You realize you're flirting with me, right?"

Joonmyun looked at him with a heated smirk. "That was the intention."

 _"Oh."_ Yifan was a little taken aback, but he wasn't backing down at that. "… Interesting."

Joonmyun put down his glass and leaned his head back. His alcohol tolerance was so awful; he was dizzy after two glasses of whatever potent wine Yifan gave him.

"Eunhye has a hunch that we were together then and we're dating now," he said. Yifan gaped at him, but he hid that surprise behind a smile and another long sip from his glass. "One of those is the truth. The other one? I don't even fucking know anymore."

"What do you want to do about that?" Yifan leaned forward.

Joonmyun shrugged. "Again, I don't know. Maybe we should just… let it happen." He laughed and bit his lip. "We said we wanted to go back to how we were; isn't that how we always got back together?"

"Just letting it happen?" Yifan stretched his long limbs and yawned. "Every single time, it just sort of happened."

"Let's leave it at that then." Joonmyun smiled and reached out to take Yifan's hand, intertwining their fingers as he often did nowadays. He felt for Yifan's pulse and trailed his finger up Yifan's arm. Yifan stopped his movements with his other hand.

"You should go," he murmured. Yifan was giving him _that look_ again.

Joonmyun raised an eyebrow before shrugging it off and stumbling to look for his coat. "If you say so."

Yifan walked him to the front door. Joonmyun turned around, cupped Yifan's cheek, stroked absently at his jaw for a while. "Good night, Yifan."

"I'll see you tomorrow," Yifan said, and he licked his lips as Joonmyun pulled his hand away.

As much as Joonmyun felt like leaning forward, teasing Yifan as he always did before, he couldn't. He couldn't look at Yifan as if he was the simple fling that Joonmyun wanted him to be. He wanted it to be _easy,_ for them to talk and laugh and kiss as if it was nothing.

But Joonmyun didn't feel that way. _Stupid alcohol,_ Joonmyun thought to himself. And as Yifan gently pushed him out the door, he needed a moment before he could walk away from the temptation of a man that he couldn't resist but he couldn't handle either. He wanted _more,_ but what was he even looking for?

 

 

 

They kissed for the first time in nine years while washing the dishes after eating dinner.

No buildup, no tension, no fanfare. Just Joonmyun turning to face Yifan and pulling him down by the nape. Just Yifan mumbling against Joonmyun’s lips, talking about how much he missed this. Just the two of them. Just hands and lips and warm eyes and breaths fanning against their skin as they couldn't bear to pull away _just yet_.

“You're getting me wet,” Joonmyun said as Yifan slipped his hands underneath his shirt.

Yifan chucked. “That sounds promising.”

Joonmyun ran his hands under the water of the faucet and tangled his fingers in Yifan’s hair. Yifan groaned and pulled Joonmyun in, lost in the sensation of fingers massaging his scalp and a smile pressed against his lips.

A smile, bright and sweet. A hand, slowly warming with the touch of his skin. A stare, _that look,_ haunting his mind as Joonmyun still felt like he needed _more_.

 

 

 

There was something different about them that night, something lighter in each step they took towards the samgyetang stall that was a few blocks away from Yifan’s apartment. Filming ended a bit late that night, but neither of them felt like going home just yet.

"This is…?" Joonmyun stopped at the corner of the block and stared at the row of stalls still bustling before them.

Yifan turned around, smiling sheepishly. "It's the same spot we went to when we were trainees."

Joonmyun chuckled and started walking towards the stall that Yifan approached. The young lady seemed to not recognize them as actors, but she greeted Yifan like a regular customer. "Oh. Who's this? A new customer?"

Yifan paused, smiled at Joonmyun, and answered, "A good friend."

"Really?" She cocked an eyebrow at them. "Sure. Two orders of samgyetang?"

"Yes, please." Joonmyun sat at one of the empty tables and waited as Yifan paid for their late-night dinner.

With the sound of happy young people laughing and dancing from across the street and a jaded musician busking from the other corner, they ate in peace, a pleasant semi-silence. Sometimes Joonmyun looked up from his bowl to look at Yifan, recall how he looked when they were still trainees who were young and hopeful.

Joonmyun reached out for his hand across the table, a little nervous, a little hopeful. Yifan's eyes grew in surprise, but he intertwined their fingers and smiled softly. "What's this about?"

Joonmyun shrugged. "I remembered us as trainees."

He laughed in response, squeezing Joonmyun's hand as a force of habit. "Not a lot of good thoughts, then?"

"No," Joonmyun shook his head, "those were the best days."

Yifan's face dropped. "I remember starving. And doubting myself."

"I remember meeting you." Joonmyun smiled. "I remember going out with all of our friends and doing nothing when we had enough energy to pick ourselves up off the floor. I remember our stupid birthday surprises."

Yifan laughed at that, but he sobered up as a thought crossed his mind. "I remember debuting as the best and the worst time of my life."

"Me too." Joonmyun let go of his hand.

Silence stretched out before them. Yifan opened his mouth several times as if he wanted to say something, but neither of them dared to say anything.

"I…" Yifan sighed. "I never told you about what I really felt like right after I left."

Joonmyun remembered the night that he last saw Yifan. It was after a showcase in Beijing. Everyone else was packing to leave for Seoul, and Yifan… just watched. Everyone else said their goodbyes, shook hands, hugged, and turned away before any resentment could make its way onto their faces.

Yifan approached Joonmyun last. They didn't talk to each other for the last two weeks; part of it was because it always hurt too much to see each other. The other part of it was because they decided to break it off just a week ago, and Joonmyun— no, _both of them_ were too afraid to face the reality that it was really, _really_ over.

But when Joonmyun saw Yifan that night, leaning against the doorway and smiling softly as he watched Joonmyun pack, he couldn't stop the heartbreak from pushing him towards Yifan in slow and hesitant steps. Yifan closed the door behind him and opened his arms to hold Joonmyun in a tight embrace.

"You were really touchy tonight. I missed that," said Yifan. Joonmyun felt himself smile against Yifan's shoulder. Joonmyun knew that neither of them was famous for fanservice, and doing it with each other wouldn't really benefit their popularity. He didn't care. He needed to stop Yifan before he started tearing up, before he showed any sign that something was terribly wrong.

"I'll miss you the most," Yifan mumbled against his hair. Joonmyun pulled back and cradled Yifan's face in his hands, pulling him forward to press their foreheads together. Yifan was the one who tilted his face and inched closer.

"Yifan," Joonmyun warned, knees wobbling as the warmth from Yifan's proximity spread through his body. Yifan kissed him then, holding Joonmyun by the waist as Joonmyun wrapped his arms around Yifan's neck and tiptoed to get closer. Joonmyun sighed against his mouth.

Yifan pulled back to press a kiss against the corner of his lips, his jaw, the side of his neck. Joonmyun slid his hands down to his chest and pushed him away softly, eyes dark and pulse racing.

"Stop," he whispered. "It's over."

Yifan pleaded with his eyes. "It doesn't have to end like _this_." _Don't let this be our last moment together._

Joonmyun slipped his hands around Yifan's shoulders again, hugging him close. "I know. But let's not leave loose ends. I don't want to hope—" He stopped.

Yifan held his hand and squeezed lightly before stepping back, letting Joonmyun go back to packing. "Before we were anything more, we were friends." Joonmyun zipped his bag and turned to face Yifan again. "Let's end as that. Let's leave it at that."

"And what about everything else?" Yifan sounded tired, still desperate for some affirmation that Joonmyun was just as broken up about this as he was.

"It's over," repeated Joonmyun. "Goodbye."

And that still haunted Joonmyun. Always, every moment when it slipped into his mind. He pushed Yifan— _he let him go, just like that_ —and it took them almost a decade before they reconnected. It took them nine years before they could be comfortable enough to talk about _this_ again.

"It was terrifying, Joonmyun," said Yifan. He was playing with his rings, nervous as he brought it up again. "I was alone, and you weren't going to come for me again. It was my choice, but being there all alone and having to deal with everything by myself… I really missed you guys.

"And the worst part was the _hate._ It never ended. It was like my departure was branded on my forehead. I was a liar, a traitor, a user; they said it all. And in those moments, I just thought—" He paused. "I wish I could talk to you."

Joonmyun held his breath.

"The first few months were awful. The lawsuit was getting worse and worse, then suddenly Lu Han just called me and said he wanted to leave. He needed help to get out. Let me tell you, it felt so, _so_ awful to help him go. I knew it was going to be even more difficult for you, but you understood, right?"

Joonmyun sighed. "I understood. We all suffered, and I'm a little envious of how brave you were to leave first. It's not easy, I know that."

"But you wish I stayed?"

"I always do."

Yifan stared at him, a little lost at Joonmyun's words. "What do you mean?"

"If you stayed, if we had stayed together," Joonmyun shrugged, "maybe something could have happened to us by now."

"Something like what?" Yifan smirked.

"Something great. Something life-changing, maybe." Joonmyun smiled sheepishly. "We could be married by now, who knows?"

Joonmyun stood up and wrapped his scarf around his neck again. "We'll never really know, will we?"

Joonmyun walked away from the stall, thanking the young lady who looked at him oddly, as if she were trying to remember where exactly she saw him before. Yifan chased after him, bracing himself against the cold wind. He caught up to him after crossing the road, a bit far from the bustling nightlife area. The streets were quieter here, and Yifan took his Joonmyun's wrist and pulled him aside.

"Who says that something great can't happen now?" Yifan pressed closer against him, holding Joonmyun by the waist now.

"Not here," Joonmyun whispered and he looked around to see if anyone was watching them. A scandal like this would end both of them.

 _I don't care_ , Yifan's eyes said, cupping his cheeks with cold hands before leaning forward for a heated kiss. It made Joonmyun's heart skip to know that Yifan still wanted him like this, and it hurt _so good_ when Yifan pushed him back slightly until he made contact with the lamppost behind him, with the burning cold metal shocking him back to reality.

Yifan pulled away first, not without a lingering kiss on Joonmyun's bottom lip. Joonmyun chuckled in response, oblivious to the world around them. Someone could be taking a video of them and sending it to Dispatch, for all he cared.

"Just like London," Joonmyun said with a soft smile ghosting on his lips at the memory.

"We could make it like Amsterdam," Yifan said with a grin against Joonmyun's neck. Joonmyun's eyes darkened at the memory: warm hands, warm lips, soft sheets, eyes that begged him to stop, _keep moving,_ begged him for _more._

That same smile, pressed against his temple then. A few muttered words, something like _stay with me_ or the sort. The feeling that he never wanted to be anywhere else in the world, that this could be home.

"Come up with me," Yifan whispered.

Joonmyun chuckled and pushed him back gently. "You know what that's going to lead to."

"That's the point." Yifan's smile was blinding, warm and inviting. "Let's not pretend that we don't want this, Joonmyun."

And he was right. Why was Joonmyun trying to lie to himself? Yifan took his hand, tugged him closer, and started walking towards his apartment building. Each step bounced back with excitement, nervousness, anticipation for something that they were unwittingly building up to in the past three months.

When Yifan closed the door behind him, Joonmyun saw his hands shaking. He helped Yifan take off his outerwear. "Why are you nervous?" Joonmyun asked incredulously. "It's just us."

"It's also been nine years."

"Since you last had sex?" Joonmyun laughed at the sour expression on Yifan's face. He cupped his face and pulled him down for a soft kiss, walking back towards the bedroom. Yifan slipped his hands beneath Joonmyun's sweater, and Joonmyun gasped at the feeling of his hands wrapping snugly around Joonmyun's waist.

"Do you want this?" Joonmyun had his back pressed against the door, but the hand he kept at the side of Yifan's neck kept him in control. "Do you want me?"

 _"So, so badly,"_ Yifan whispered. "You have no idea."

"I do, actually." Joonmyun ghosted his fingers over Yifan's crotch, and then his warm palm cupped Yifan's growing bulge. He swallowed Yifan's moan with a searing kiss, and they started walking towards the bed.

Joonmyun got his first taste of being pressed against the mattress that night. Yifan had a knee between his legs and both of his hands pinning Joonmyun down by the wrist. "Did you miss me?"

"I missed this," Joonmyun rolled his hips up, smiling at how Yifan groaned, "missed feeling like this." Yifan leaned forward and pressed a kiss against his collarbone. "I'm just glad you're here again."

"Me too," said Yifan. "I missed you, Joonmyun."

Joonmyun sighed against Yifan's cheek, both of them with greedy hands as they took each other's clothes off. Yifan pulled back as Joonmyun lied naked on the sheets, staring in awe at the man before him. His gaze made Joonmyun self-conscious, but Yifan stopped him before he could cover up or look away. Yifan took his time mapping Joonmyun's body with his lips.

There were moments when they faltered, tripped over themselves, and had a laugh, but it didn't matter. Joonmyun's desires were like flames licking up his body, making him beg for a kiss here or a bruising grip from Yifan's hands there. Yifan was content in giving, giving, _giving_ , making Joonmyun want more and more from him.

Yifan was three fingers deep when Joonmyun cried out and gripped the sheets in pleasure. Yifan kissed his nape and chuckled against his skin with the vibrations rippling through his thrumming body. "Don't tease," Joonmyun whispered, voice hoarse after all the silent screaming.

Joonmyun bit his lip and tried to hide the discomfort that was slowly morphing into pleasure that he couldn't put into words. Yifan slid inside him and started moving, and Joonmyun broke apart, gasping and moaning at each shift of Yifan's hips.

There was really something different about them that night. It was like… going back to the past, except time felt completely irrelevant at that point. It felt like they were on fire, like they were in their own little world for a few seconds. It felt like an intricate dance of movements and heat rising and spreading with each twist of a hand and each sharp thrust. It felt like a song of passion, a song of want, a song that remained beautiful as the record played and time wore it out.

It felt a little bit like love, except neither of them was going to say that out loud.

Yifan pressed an open-mouthed kiss against Joonmyun's chest when he finally came, inhaling Joonmyun's scent and smiling at the uncomfortable peace in the moment. He slid out slowly, and Joonmyun sighed buried his face into the pillow at the empty sensation.

"That was great," Yifan said, smiling brightly at Joonmyun. He placed an arm over Joonmyun's waist and tugged him closer. "Was that the 'something great' you were looking for?"

Joonmyun chuckled, and he kissed Yifan deeply in response. "Maybe."

"What kind of answer is that?" asked Yifan incredulously.

"It means I don't care. It doesn't matter what I thought we could be." Joonmyun rolled out of his arms and stretched his legs off the edge of the bed. "This is what we are now, right? And it's pretty damn great."

Yifan slipped out from beneath the sheets and went behind Joonmyun, giving him a warm hug from behind. "We should take a shower."

" _We,_ huh?" Joonmyun giggled at Yifan's warm breath tickling the back of his ear, "I'll think about it."

"Your loss," said Yifan. He walked into the bathroom, and Joonmyun heard the sound of his shower. He thought about it for a second more before walking in and wrapping his arms around Yifan's torso in a tight hug. Yifan laughed, turning around and pressing Joonmyun against the frosted glass of the shower enclosure.

"No more," Joonmyun groaned, but he kept laughing as Yifan kissed his skin again and again and again. "We're not in our twenties anymore."

Yifan smirked. "Oh please, we could go four rounds if we really wanted to back then."

"We could have, if you were there."

Yifan stopped. Joonmyun sighed and he pulled Yifan down to rest their foreheads together. "You know I didn't mean it that way."

"I know," said Yifan. They kissed again, water running down their faces, slick against their lips, growing colder and colder down their bodies. Joonmyun pulled away briefly to remind Yifan why they were here in the first place, and Yifan took that as an opportunity to run suds over Joonmyun's body, with his wandering hands making Joonmyun's eyes darken in warning.

Joonmyun looked around the bedroom for his boxers before collapsing in bed beside Yifan. He pulled Joonmyun closer and let his hands wander and explore Joonmyun's body again. Joonmyun, in turn, kept his hands on Yifan's face, holding him close and teasing him with a kiss.

That moment was so remarkably unremarkable for them. Nothing more happened, nothing escalated, and nothing broke down. They lied in bed and talked and laughed until they slowly drifted to sleep with Yifan's hand on Joonmyun's hip and Joonmyun's hand on Yifan's. The warmth and comfort was enough to lull them into sleep, perfectly content in the moment.

 

 

 

Joonmyun needed to accept reality.

It started with his parents. Then his friends. Then talk shows and random fans on his fan café asking, _"Why isn't Joonmyun-oppa in a relationship yet?? If I were one of the girls he came in contact with, I might never let him go!!!!"_

His last relationship was with a girl from Jeju. She was a simple office girl, and he was a brat that was too busy running from his issues to really pay attention to her. He spent almost a month on that island walking around and taking her with him. She would laugh and take his hand, not because she particularly wanted to be with him but because she needed a little excitement in her mundane life.

She was good for a chat, good for sex, but it was obvious that Joonmyun would never settle down with her. And that was okay.

He was in a relationship with a guy by the end of the year, like a winter buddy of sorts. He was an accountant, terribly boring and terribly safe, but Joonmyun lived with it for the sex and the free dates. They broke up in less than two months, mostly because they never had anything in common anyway.

Joonmyun saw a pattern in everyone he got into a relationship with within the past five years: all of them were simple and boring, and Joonmyun knew that they were never going to last. His longest and most plausible attempt was with Yixing, and that wasn't going to work out either.

It was as if he didn't want it to last. It was as if he subconsciously sabotaged himself by walking up to the person in the room who was most likely to swoon at his face but least likely to stick around when he started showing his true colors.

The truth was that he was scared. He was scared of being alone.

He accepted it at one point in his life, when youth allowed him to bide his time. He rejected the fear once, told himself that he didn't need anyone to be happy and to live his life. His friends were a safety blanket, but one by one, they started settling down. His high school friends would update their profiles with baby pictures, and Joonmyun would simply smile as his mother showed him another picture of his best friend in third grade and his little girl.

"This could have been you if you stayed with that pretty girl back in 2017," his mom said.

Joonmyun groaned. "How many times do I have to tell you that was just a publicity stunt?"

She made a sound of disappointment. "Still. Could have had two beautiful kids by now."

Joonmyun went back to his phone and ignored how his mother's words rang in his ears for years.

Then there was Minseok and his beautiful wife and his ridiculously happy life. He would leave in the middle of dinner because his wife wanted to go to the hospital to get a feeling checked out, or he'd text him updates complete with ultrasound pictures and cute pictures of them smiling at it.

"Wait. Don't tell us," Baekhyun said as Minseok made a face at his phone. "The wife is calling?"

" _Yoojung,_ as you all should know, is in her seventh month. She's done with her prenatal yoga classes, and I'm done drinking for tonight." Minseok smiled and put on his coat. "Bye."

"But you're our _favorite,_ " whined Jongdae. "You can't leave me with him!" Jongdae gave Baekhyun an exasperated look.

Baekhyun snorted. "Stop acting like you're not used to my crap."

"That's exactly why I can't be left alone with you," Jongdae said, screaming as Baekhyun tried to wrap him in a headlock. Minseok laughed at their antics and pat Joonmyun's back before leaving the restaurant.

Yoojung gave birth to a healthy baby girl, and two years later, they had another beautiful baby boy. Minseok was glowing with pride every single time he talked about them, about their milestones, and about his life with Yoojung. Joonmyun was awfully happy for him but also awfully jealous of how well his life worked out.

"Do you think I'm going to be alone for the rest of my life?" Joonmyun asked Kyungsoo once. Kyungsoo put down his can of beer, looked at Joonmyun, and let out a hearty laugh, one that made Joonmyun feel worse than ever.

"You can't be serious?" said Kyungsoo. Joonmyun stared at him. "So you are? Well, I don't know. Maybe you're just so hung up on the idea of finding someone right for you."

"What does that even mean?"

Kyungsoo shrugged. "When Minseok first met Yoojung, he told me he couldn't stand her. She was bland and a little rude and Minseok could barely stand working with her. But they got to know each other and they gave each other a chance, and look at them now.

"Maybe the problem is that you keep looking for a perfect match in someone when that's impossible. You meet people and you try something with them but you never really give them a chance for anything more than a fling." Kyungsoo stared at Joonmyun. "You think I don't know about all the guys and girls who were rumored to be with you at some point in time?"

"You're my friend. Of course you know," said Joonmyun. Kyungsoo was… right. He was completely right, and Joonmyun couldn't deny that.

He kept that comment in his mind until Yifan barged right back into his life without even meaning to. As they took slow steps towards each other, Joonmyun knew why none of his relationships ever lasted.

It was because Yifan was the impossible standard that no one could beat. It was because his tumultuous relationship with Yifan was the best he ever had. It was because their love was young and juvenile but it was still _love,_ and nothing would ever match up to it.

As Joonmyun woke up from those dreams, he figured out what was missing. He realized that this couldn't go on for much longer.

 

 

 

“Good morning,” Yifan whispered. His eyes were still closed, but Joonmyun could feel the gentle smile on his lips reaching up and tugging them open. Yifan’s warmth enveloped him as he slid a hand over Joonmyun’s bare waist and pulled him closer.

“Good morning,” said Joonmyun as he closed his eyes again. Losing the intensity of Yifan’s gaze led his attention to the intensity of his overall presence around him: the scent of his skin lingering all over Joonmyun; the twitching of his fingers on the small of Joonmyun’s back as he itched to pull him in closer; the sound of his breathing picking up speed as Joonmyun’s body rose in temperature on each point where they connected.

When Joonmyun opened his eyes again, he was greeted by lips on his temple, lips on his forehead, lips on the bridge of his nose, slowly making their way to claim his lips in a gentle kiss.

Yifan didn’t kiss with the same desperation that he had the night before. He held Joonmyun with a soft touch and let ease and comfort draw their bodies closer and closer together. Joonmyun’s soft moans at his ministrations sparked something within him. Their lazy morning kisses became louder and wetter at the growing need spreading to their extremities. Yifan rolled on top of Joonmyun and braced his hips with his long legs on either side. Joonmyun gripped his arms as he rolled his hips upward, causing a delicious friction that made them stop to release a guttural moan.

Yifan buried his head in the crook of Joonmyun’s neck, inhaling the heady scent of his damp skin. Joonmyun’s hips were twitching with want, but at the sound of Yifan humming something—an OST he sang a few years back—his body sank into the mattress and allowed Yifan to collapse on him fully.

Joonmyun felt the vibrations of Yifan’s voice on his skin, lulling him into a trance. Yifan shifted against him, and Joonmyun waited with bated breath as Yifan lifted himself on one arm to look down at Joonmyun.

"Good morning," Yifan said with a bright smile. Joonmyun pulled him down and rolled them over, straddling his hips snugly. Joonmyun whispered his good mornings against Yifan's skin with kisses, light nips, and a smile that grew as Yifan made a sound of frustration at Joonmyun's languid movements.

They spent that early morning with Yifan pressed hard against the sheets while Joonmyun focused on keeping his dream out of his absolutely perfect reality at the moment. He moaned as Yifan wrapped his long legs around Joonmyun's waist and pulled him closer after their release. Joonmyun pressed a kiss against his chest, just as Yifan did the night before.

They chose to kick off the sheets and lower the thermostat instead of showering. Yifan drifted back to sleep with an arm over Joonmyun's waist and his face buried into his pillow. Joonmyun, however, couldn't get his mind to stop moving.

He needed to leave. This was perfect and too good to be true, and he didn't want that. His chance came through a phone call with his manager.

 _"Joonmyun! Where are you? I've been outside your apartment for twenty minutes."_ He paused to think about it. _"Actually, I might not want to know. You have a quick scene to film today. Go to the studio as soon as you can."_ He hung up before Joonmyun could even get a word out.

He sighed, put his phone back on the bedside table, and slowly slid out from beneath Yifan's arm. Joonmyun was able to get his legs off the side of the bed before Yifan woke up. He lazily reached out for Joonmyun's wrist.

"Where are you going?" he murmured. Yifan slowly sat up, sliding behind Joonmyun and hugging his waist. "It's too early for you to go."

"Junghwan called; I have a scene to film today." Joonmyun tried to look for his clothes all sprawled on the floor, but it was difficult to concentrate when Yifan's lips were on his skin again, warm hands guiding him back against Yifan's chest. "I should go."

"You should stay. Just a few more minutes." Yifan was humming that song again, and Joonmyun melted into his arms.

"Yifan, we need to talk," he said with much trepidation, afraid of Yifan tensing up and throwing him out.

He didn't. Yifan sighed, buried his nose into Joonmyun's neck, and laced their fingers together. "Don't fucking be like this. You don't get to spring that line on me after one of the greatest nights of my life—"

"I'm not," Joonmyun said instantly. "This isn't that."

"Good," said Yifan. The relief in his voice was evident. "I would _hate_ you if it were."

"I just—" Joonmyun turned to try and face him. "I like this. It makes me feel like we're twenty again, and the world is in our hands and everything's bound to be perfect. But it didn't work out then." Yifan looked away. "I don't want it to be like that anymore.

"Back then, we had time to waste. We were young and we were stupid and we could excuse our fuck-ups if we wanted to." Joonmyun held his hand tighter. "We're not that young anymore, and I don't want that kind of relationship. It was great then, I'm sure it would still be great now, but I want more."

"What kind of more?" asked Yifan. "Because I can—"

"Don't make those kinds of promises," Joonmyun interrupted. "Don't give me an answer now because I don't want you to say something you don't mean just to make me stay."

He sighed. "I want something just like this, where I can talk to you about shit I'm hiding from myself because I know I can't hide from you. I want to take you to our reunion dinners," Yifan winced, "and I want to reconcile the Yifan I know now to the Yifan we all knew then. I want you to be part of my life in every way you could be.

"I want to settle down. I want to figure out how to make this work, even if you and I have to fly back and forth just to see each other. Or we could decide to stay somewhere— I don't care."

Joonmyun looked down, bit his lip in embarrassment. "I want to finally introduce you to my parents. I want to bring you home, maybe with a baby in tow just to shut them up. And maybe I just want to see you spoil a little girl the way I know you would."

He stared into Yifan's eyes, not looking for answer but looking for an acknowledgement that he understood exactly what Joonmyun was looking for. Joonmyun cupped his cheek. "I want a life with you, but I don't need an answer right now. You should think about it because I already have. I'm sorry I sprung this on you; I just don't want to throw away something as good as _us._ Until then, we need to take a break."

Yifan turned his head and kissed Joonmyun's palm. "I understand. I'll think about it." His tone sounded like he already had an answer in mind, but Joonmyun wasn't going to have it.

Joonmyun got dressed without lifting his head from the floor. When he made his way to the front door, Yifan was in the kitchen, making a cup of coffee for himself. Before Joonmyun could escape, Yifan walked towards him, held his face in both of his hands, and kissed Joonmyun as if it were their first and their last. He kissed as if nothing else existed at that moment, as if the world revolved around the way Joonmyun tiptoed to chase after his lips, as if Yifan's stomach didn't lurch when they finally had to pull away.

"Goodbye," said Yifan, a little breathless.

"Yeah." Joonmyun smiled at him, a little dazed. "I'll see you soon."

 

 

 

It was easy when they didn't have to see each other as often anymore. Since most of the filming was completed, they only had to meet during conferences and briefings with the publicity team on how they had to promote the film. They could sit across a table and act like absolutely nothing was out of the ordinary, but it was different when they were alone.

Every touch sent shivers down Joonmyun's spine, making him curve into Yifan's body. "Don't," said Joonmyun as Yifan stood closely behind him in the empty restroom. Yifan stepped back, but Joonmyun held him by the wrist and smirked through the mirror.

It was difficult when Yifan only had to drag a finger up Joonmyun's arm for Joonmyun to tangle his fingers in Yifan's hair and pull him down for a sweet kiss. It was difficult because it only lasted a few seconds, but they broke apart with bright smiles and lighthearted laughter bubbling in their chests. It was difficult to stay away from Yifan when it was so natural to be drawn to each other.

"We won't see each other much after this," Joonmyun said. "Filming's pretty much over, and we're down to our last press conference before the premiere." Joonmyun smiled and looked down. "I'll miss this."

"The two of us standing in the company bathroom staring at each other?" Yifan chuckled, grinning as Joonmyun rolled his eyes. "That didn't work out well for us last time."

"It did," said Joonmyun. "Aren't we back here now? Isn't this a far cry from how we were then?"

Yifan kissed his temple. "I love you."

Joonmyun froze. "What?"

Yifan didn't flinch. He didn't look away. He didn't turn around or take it all back. He stared into Joonmyun's eyes through the mirror and held him just a little bit tighter.

It was their unspoken rule. Or was it? Maybe it was Joonmyun's personal fear that kept him from ever doing so. Yifan didn't seem to mind or care. He stopped dancing around Joonmyun when they talked about just letting themselves happen.

Maybe Joonmyun should too.

"I love you too," Joonmyun said. It felt strange on his lips. It felt strange because he meant it with every fiber of his being. He meant it and he wanted Yifan to know so that both of them could stop hiding from the truth.

But it was worth seeing _that look_ on Yifan's face, much softer and warmer than before. Yifan kissed his temple again and chuckled. "I'm glad we got that all cleared up."

"Did you doubt it?" asked Joonmyun.

"Not for a second, no," Yifan said with confidence. Joonmyun looked at him incredulously. "After nine years, you just sort of know."

Yifan furrowed his brows as Joonmyun pulled away and leaned against the counter to look at him directly. "I'm sure about this, Joonmyun. I'm not backing out now or leaving."

"And if something goes wrong?" Joonmyun bowed his head and grimaced. "It almost always does."

Yifan shrugged. "Then we'll make it work. We're adults; it's what we do." Yifan smiled and took Joonmyun's hand. "Trust me."

"I do." Joonmyun wrapped his arms around Yifan's neck, tired and relieved. As he listened to Yifan's heartbeat, Joonmyun thought of how far they've come. He remembered each up and down of their complicated relationship; stability wasn't their best attribute.

But they were happy. Joonmyun was content as he pulled back, kissed Yifan on the cheek, and walked away with a spring in his step and lingering gaze following his movements. Maybe it would work out this time for good or maybe it just wasn't meant to be, but they weren't going to let it fall apart this time. Not anymore. Some things were worth coming back to, over and over again, until it all seemed to come together at the right time in their lives.

 

 

 

 

 

Joonmyun held Yifan's hand and squeezed it tightly, tiptoeing to press a kiss against his jaw. "Are you nervous?"

"Why wouldn't I be?" said Yifan, close to walking away. "This was a bad idea—"

 _"Yifan,_ just do it," Joonmyun said sternly. He let go of Yifan's hand and motioned towards the door. "Your move."

Yifan's heart was pounding as he pushed the doors open and waited as eight pairs of eyes turned to look at him, a myriad of reactions playing out on their faces. He almost faltered, but Joonmyun stood behind him with a hand on the small of his back and a soft smile on his face.

Then he looked behind him and Joonmyun gave him _that look._ It had the same warmth and the same comfort but with an underlying note that spoke volumes of how happy Joonmyun was to see Yifan right there, with their old friends looking at them with curiosity and fondness and none of the resentment that Yifan feared. Their eyes met and their hands linked, and Yifan looked in front of him again, the ghost of a smile itching at the corners of his lips.

"Hey," Yifan said, a little nervous, a little hopeful. 


	2. a/n

written for the 2016 round of 100xoverfest! congratulations to the mods and to all the participants <3

i struggled so much in writing this fic (i started on 3 drafts before i finally stayed on this one) and it evolved into a fantasy piece about an ideal world where this kind of love really exists. krisho fic has been my creative outlet for 3 (three!!!!!!) years and this ship will forever hold a place in my heart.

(i forgot to add this earlier but this is actually an alternate sequel to [please don't say you love me](http://archiveofourown.org/works/7306708), my krisho canon fic from 2013. if you read that before and saw some references to it in this fic ;) some things have changed with how i write krisho and their dynamics and i hope that you can see that growth when you read this fic and its (semi-)prequel)

summary is a quote from Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie  
title and cut from "walk away" by LANY

if you have any questions or feedback on the fic, please just leave it in the comments thank u

[LJ LINK](http://junfhongs.livejournal.com/34362.html)  
follow me on [twitter](https://twitter.com/amenochieien)!!!


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